Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf

Wait, I just got home. Where is everyone? Surely you all don't plan to surprise me tomorrow, since I'll be at the baseball game and won't know when I'm coming home? Man, that's going to be weird when you all have to sit in the dark for like four hours.

I love when my calendar sends me a reminder about my upcoming birthday.

I'm burnin' up, burning up for your love!

I'm listening to an Iron & Wine song. SPOILER ALERT: It's depressing.

Sorry, hookers, it's time to call the cops -- and this time, start demanding arrests. You can hook all you want near my house as long as you keep the noise to quiet sultry flirting with passing cars. But your constant, shrill screaming of "Twerk it girl, twerk it!", "What?! What?! Yeah you best drive away!", and all the various Beyonce lyrics -- which I can hear a half a block away -- have finally driven me over the edge.

Oh good, now there's a bird nearby that's learned to mimic car alarms.

Birds -- what the [...] are they good for except to annoy the [...] out of me?!

Every other week or so I am awoken at odd hours out of a sound sleep (Hank Hedland sleeps through almost anything) by the Percussionist from Hell. About two weeks ago it was 3am, and today it was 7:30am.

Having had enough of this bull[...], I pulled on clothes and rushed the dog out the door to find this asshole. Just as we were exiting the building, a man was walking across the street with a CD player with loudspeakers and two drum sticks, alternating between "SHUT UP!" and muttering to hi...

LaRouche supports are out and about today with banners against austerity and for Glass-Steagall. If you see them, be sure to remind them that LaRouche is a racist and homophobe who once tried to quarantine AIDS patients in California.

Wait, Buzzfeed has a front page? So that's how you all find this [...]?

What's the emoticon for "I would poke holes in my cheeks with kebab skewers if it would relieve the pressure in my head right now"?

Ugh, it's going to be so grossly hot in the Bay area this week I just want to buy a tent and just sleep on the beach. This is torture.

I just got ice cream in my eye.

It is our [...]ing anniversary! And I expect to be treated like it is my birthday goddammit!

JFC, people. When lawmakers start openly suggesting using torture on the Boston bomber, it's clear that we aren't even looking for the moral compass anymore - we threw that piece into the pit of hell and decided to skip gleefully off toward dystopia.

I thought the national torture discussion around Abu Gharib reaffirmed that using torture on ANYONE made us no better than thugs? I thought we were all clear that, despite the heinous nature of any crime, the mark of an advanced society was the...

When I went in to Foot Locker today, I was asked if I wanted a "standard white guy shoe."

Here's what I predict the President will say: "Why didn't you progressives make me advocate harder for this thing I really want?!"

Hey Zipcar® members: I was scammed at a gas station by someone who is targeting Zipcar drivers. Despite my protestations, he washed the vehicle's windows and then stopped the gas pump from closing out after the handle was returned to the pump. (I think he may have stuffed the paper towel he was using into the nozzle holster.) He then pumped 9 gallons of gas after I drove away, and I'm being charged for the excess. (The vehicle only holds 13 gallons, but 22 gallons were pumped.) Apparentl...

I JUST had a root canal yesterday and my husband is already making me go get dinner for him. WTF Hank Hedland?

I visited the ASPCA website last week, and now I'm being followed around the internet by ads with emaciated and pity-inducing puppies. Enough with the remarketing, people!

Well this day has been [...] so far. Phone stopped working the minute I walked out the door (now it's dead). Cavity is turning into a root canal tomorrow. Mailing that was supposed to send this morning never went out.

Jesuschrist if these assholes were walking down these stairs into the BART station any slower we'd be going up instead of down. Just missed my train.

Thanks y'all!

The theme of my dreams this morning was 80s buddy comedies. Things took a fresh turn when Bruce Willis invited me to his dorm room to watch hockey and then got all flirty with me.

Now I have a crush on Bruce Willis.