Lt. Cmdr Robin Hopper: Space may be the final frontier but it's made in a Paak basement

[Wil Ukinix]

Want to see the results of a First Contact gone wrong, and the hilarious things that can happen as a result?  @Robin Hopper's sim is a masterpiece, with many moments that just made me chuckle.  Originally I was going to put this in Amity's quotes thread, but there were many great ones from Hopper and I couldn't pick the best one.

So here's the whole sim

 

 

((“The White Room”, Paak Military Complex))

 

Robin’s patience was being tested by this Paak lawyer and his inability to wrap his stubborn little brain around what seemed, at least to her, like fairly basic concepts – not to mention dancing around the facts rather than providing them with any usable legal counsel.

 

Paak (Counsel): If you want my advice–

 

Hopper: Obviously we want your advice. Why else are you here!?

 

Ukinix: ::Gentle voice:: Hey hey, Commander, just step back a bit, let’s get through this.

 

Wil’s voice brought Robin’s attention to the tightness in her shoulders. She sighed, trying to release her irritation at the counselor’s uselessness, but it only served to make her feel even more defeated by the situation they were facing.

 

Hopper: Sorry… Sorry…  ::Face in hands, frustrated groan::  Yes, I want to cooperate if it will get us out of this mess.

 

The Paak counsel pushed his chair away from the table and stood.

 

Paak (Counsel): ::Closing his dossier::  I will leave for a moment and speak with the Paak of this facility, see what I can arrange regarding the medical testing you mentioned. I can’t promise anything,  ::pointing to his head::  but maybe we’ll find out you both have tumours in your paaks or something. That might help. I’ll also ask about this “warp” technology you mentioned, see if I can learn anything that might be useful about whatever is going on here.

 

oO Gee, you think?! Oo

 

While Robin’s face soured, Wil took the more ‘diplomatic’ route and thanked their Counselor for doing what she considered very much the bare minimum.

 

Ukinix: ::Nod:: That would be most appreciated, mate.

 

Paak (Counsel): I’m not your friend, or your “mate”.  There’s nothing wrong with the translation of that word.  I’m just doing my job.  In fact, I want to get out of here so I can go to the Paak game tonight.  North Paak are playing the Paak Rangers, and I don’t want to miss it.

 

With that, the Paak left the room, leaving only Robin and Wil. She took in a deep breath through her nose and then grumbled in malcontentedness.

 

Ukinix: I know as the ranking officer I’m meant to be optimistic and give a speech to rally the troops – well, single troop in our case – but that guy is a w@^&#r.

 

Hopper: ::Rolling her eyes::  Honestly… It does make me feel a little better to hear you say that.

 

 

((Three hours and fifty-five minutes later))

 

The Paak medical facilities had been abysmal. First of all, they were hardly up to the standard that Robin was accustomed to – but she could have grinned and bore the poking and prodding with needles and ionizing radiation scans… if the room hadn’t been so cold. It was as if these people had invented space travel before they’d invented the space heater.

 

Even now, hours later, she still felt the occasional shiver run up her spine as she recalled standing barefoot on the frigid stone floor while one of the Paak doctors examined her prosthetic leg as if it were made out of pure latinum or something. The chill had made its way into her bones and now refused to leave – the nondescript white room they were waiting in once again only marginally warmer than the medical offices.

 

Robin sat on one of the chairs, her legs huddled up to her body, with her arms wrapped around them, getting what little insulation she could from the surrounding air – which was very little. The only thing keeping her mind off of how miserable she felt now was–

 

Ukinix: “Red Hot Chili Peppers”.  Look, I’m not an expert on genres because it seems music from the era I really like is just a mish mash of genres that came before it.  But it sounds like it’s one part the music you like. ::Lifting:: With that heavy rock feel that I like.

 

At least the two of them had plenty to talk about. She’d hoped this little trip was going to provide an opportunity to get to know her First Officer better… and boy had it ever. The two of them practically knew more about each other now than their Counselor probably did. (Okay - that was an exaggeration, but you get the point).

 

Hopper: ::Tilting her head to the side::  They did that “Californication” song right? I remember the Kappa Delta Rho boys playing that on a loop during my orientation day at Berkeley… What other songs have they done?

 

Ukinix: Give-ita-way, Give-ita-way, Give-ita-way now… Give-ita-way, Give-ita-way, Give-ita-way, now… I can’t really understand the words after that bit.

 

She shrugged - barely able to understand the words he had been saying between the speed of the words and the accent they were being spoken with.

 

Hopper: I’ll look them up when we make it back to Amity.  ::Suddenly glum::  If we make it back to Amity…

 

The door opened, and the Paak legal representative walked through.  Outside were two military officers with no apparent gender, standing at attention and guarding the room. Wil got to his feet and Robin let go of her legs, placing her feet on the floor.

 

Paak (Counsel): It’s time. Let’s go face the Paak.

 

Ukinix: What was the result of the scans and the tests?

 

Hopper: Surely they demonstrated what we’ve been telling you is true!

 

Paak (Counsel): I don’t know, they haven’t told me yet.  We’ll likely find out at the tribunal. 

 

Robin stood defiantly.

 

Hopper: This is outrageous! I–

 

But he cut her off, speaking in his irritatingly sing-songy voice right over top of her.

 

Paak (Counsel): Look, I’ve already missed the game of the year advocating for you two.  You got your examination, and it’s time to go.  If you’re one minute late for the tribunal, they’ll likely charge you with contempt as well.  Hurry up, let’s go.

 

The counsel turned and walked out of the room before Wil and Robin could say another word.  Wil put his hands on his hips while Robin crossed her arms and tried to minimize her outward pouting. Such things were unbecoming of a Starfleet Lt. Commander… But after nearly eight hours of waiting and worrying and being shuffled from one room to another, ultimately seemingly for nothing, she was beginning to lose her ability to maintain even the appearance of ‘calm’.

 

Ukinix: You know what?  If they want to play hardball on this “Paak” word, two can play at this game.

 

Wil pulled off the combadge from his uniform, then placed it on the table. Robin looked at him somewhat baffled, eyebrows raised.

 

Hopper: Huh?

 

Ukinix: We’re struggling with the word “Paak” and they don’t give a crap?  Fine.  The judge or magistrate or whatever can truly find out what a communication barrier is.  ::Gesturing to Robin’s badge with chin:: Leave yours on the table too, that’s an order.  ::hands on hips, quick inhale through nostrils::  @#%& ‘em, Robin.

 

Thinking through what he was saying, it began to make sense. Without their Universal Translators, they wouldn’t be able to understand what was being said to them – but the Paak wouldn’t understand them either. It would certainly be an impossible-to-ignore demonstration of what they’d been trying to tell the Paak all along… She nodded slowly, then more enthusiastically, as she ripped off her own combadge and flicked it onto the table.

 

Hopper: Yeah… We’ll @#%& ‘em together!

 

She paused, the smile fading from her face as she shook her head apologetically.

 

Hopper: That’s… That’s not what I meant.

 

((Tribunal room, Paak Military Headquarters, Continent of South Paak, Paak, Paak System, Barossa Nebula))

 

Robin looked around the circular room with her eyes, moving her head as little as possible, doing her best to appear confident – even though the truth was, she felt anything but. Wil’s plan made sense, at least as a way to demonstrate they were, in fact, not Paak masquerading as aliens. Based on what they’d heard while the UT was doing its initial work, the linguistic sounds produced by the Paak would be entirely impossible to produce using Human, Centauran, or Betazoid vocal chords – and, conversely, a Paak would never be able to speak like they could… But once that initial point had been made… then what?

 

Her worrying was interrupted by the entrance of a fancy-looking Paak in a red baggy robe. He strode towards the head seat of the encircling council, or jury, or whatever they were, and everyone else held their hands over their head in the ‘love triangle’ gesture (or whatever it was) before he sat.

 

oO So, this is our judge… Oo  Robin thought to herself, suddenly wishing she could have her translator back so she could at least understand them. What if the judge was more reasonable than the lawyer had been?  oO What if this was a big mistake? Oo

 

No time to consider other possibilities. The tribunal had begun.

 

Paak (Magistrate): ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ✧ ♫ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♬ ✧ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ♫ ✧ ⋆⋆⋆

 

Paak (Counsel): ♪ ♪ ♫ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♫ ♫ ✧ ⋆⋆⋆ ♬ ♪ ♩ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆

 

Paak (Magistrate): ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♫ ♩ ♫ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♬ ✧ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆

 

The fancy Paak looked to Wil, then to Robin, and back to Wil with a critical gaze. Robin swallowed the lump in her throat, unsure of what to say – if anything – or what to do – if anything.

 

Fortunately, Wil bit the bullet first.

 

Ukinix: Yeah, it sucks when you rely on *our* technology to understand us, and yet still put us on trial, huh.

 

The magistrate sat back in his chair, blinking his eyes for a moment, seemingly trying to decipher the sounds he’d just heard, let alone whatever it was Wil had said.

 

Paak (Magistrate): ::To counsel:: ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ♬ ♫ ⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♬ ♫ ♪ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆

 

Paak (Counsel): ::nod of head to magistrate:: ♪ ♬ ♪ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ✧ ⋆⋆⋆ ♫ ♩ ♪ ♩ ⋆⋆⋆ ::turning to Robin and Wil, visibly unimpressed:: ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♬ ♪ ✦ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♩ ♫ ✧ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ✧

 

Robin decided to take things a step further and addressed them all in Low Centauran – an archaic language ignored by the Universal Translator in favour of its more modern successor. One which ought to sound distinct from Wil’s Federation Standard, even to the Paak.

 

Hopper: Ξυλόθι μιρομορ κανίζθι φελοχίν. Δρύσταρος αμίθρι καλιόρος ξυλόζα-θορ. ((Translation: “I do not like it here. Your facilities are cold and your doctors are handsy.”))

 

She smiled, confident that even Wil would have no idea what she was saying.

 

Ukinix: Response?

 

Paak (Counsel): ::Pointing a finger at them, then at himself::  ⋆⋆ ♪ ♩ ⋆ ♫ ♪ ⋆⋆⋆ ♬ ♩ ♪ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ⋆♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♫ ♬ ⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♪ ♬ ✦ ⋆ ♪ ♬ ♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆

 

Paak (Magistrate): ::Crossing arms, scowling::  ⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♩ ♪ ♬ ✩ ⋆⋆⋆ ♫ ♩ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♩ ♬ ⋆⋆

 

Hopper: Άλθος θίρις λέξις άμος ίδυος.  ((Translation: “Also, this lawyer is an idiot.”))

 

She turned to Wil, smiling.

 

Hopper: I think it’s working…  Now what?

 

Ukinix: Response

 

Hopper: Right, okay… I guess we’ll see how that goes…

 

Ukinix: Response?

 

Paak (Counsel): ::Empathically?:: ⋆⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ♬ ⋆⋆⋆ ♫ ♪ ⋆⋆⋆⋆

 

Paak (Magistrate): ::Accusatorily:: ⋆♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♩ ♪ ♬ ⋆⋆⋆ ♫ ♩ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♪ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♪ ♫ ⋆⋆ ⋆⋆⋆⋆ ♩ ♩ ♬ ⋆⋆

 

Ukinix: Response

 

TBC

 

((OOC - The title of this sim is a reference to a lyric from Californication.))

 

 

==

Lt. Commander Robin Hopper (she/they)

Chief Science Officer, Amity Outpost

Character Wiki Page

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