[2010: JAN-FEB] Writing Challenge Feedback

[Ryan Horn]

And without any further ado... the reviews:

What a Strange, Strange World - Lt Cmdr Tal Tel-ar

Reviewed by Capt. Ben Walker

All too often people walk around without really seeing the environment around them. Describing Earth as seen by a young Andorian alone would have been an interesting read. But Lt. Cmdr Tel-ar took it a step farther by showing us a section of Earth that any of us in this century would recognize. This wasn't a "Star Trek" story where there were clean divisions, and the humans had gotten over all of their assorted issues. No this was the reaction that anyone not from the docks would have received, made all the more dramatic by it being an alien doing it. Wrapping all of this up with the continuing thread of the Andorian's comparing it to the home he was exiled from was the perfect way to pull it all together. Excellent story, hoping to see more of them!

Broken - Lt (jg) Jesse Lawn

Reviewed by Capt. Ben Walker

I found this story to be an interesting quandry for me initially. Reading the story in a simming format kept throwing me out of the story. Additionally, the concept of a non-space capable civilization having weapons that were able to breach shields, but not destroy the ship utterly, broke through my suspension of disbelief.

Then I got past those distractions and into the message behind the story and was very impressed. I found myself playing out in my head what was going to happen next. Would the ensign become stronger from the experience, or was she also speaking of herself as being broken? Would she risk her career to send down supplies, or would she follow orders? And if she did follow orders, as is drilled into every ensign...would she in essence be supporting the decision not to intervene? Any story I read that has me questioning what would happen next to the point where I'm asking friends outside of UFoP their opinions on the situation... that shows an exceptional amount of talent. Great job Lt. (jg) Lawn!

Observational Report: Lt. (j.g.) Ashad Gee

Reviewed by Lt. Tallis Rhul

The twist at the end of the entry shows the spark of an intelligent idea here, and the inference that we are watching a scene unfold between two Federation scientists lulls us into a false sense of security. I would have loved to see a little more detail, as there could possibly have been more reference to well-known events or the Federation style of behaviour other than their propensity for explanation. This would add another level of depth to their discussion and really give the reader something to think about without spoiling the illusion that you’ve created. I also enjoyed the casual nature of the conversation, which I feel reflects how much more advanced than the Federation the aliens are.

Perspective: Lt. Cmdr Karynn Ehlanii

Reviewed by Lt. Tallis Rhul

The best word to describe this story is “endearing”, a sentiment that washes over the reader right from the opening few lines. In a world of phasers, ship battles and hostile aliens it can be easy to write something that relies on action and suspense, but the underpinning part of any piece of trek literature is always that feel good factor – the network of relationships that exists between characters.

The writing style is very descriptive, and conjures up a vivid image of the station’s promenade. It’s also nice to see familiar things, such as a Starfleet uniform, or an Andorian’s antennae, being described in a new light, tying us firmly into the ‘perspective’ theme. The simile that compared the races of the Federation to the different tastes and textures in a fruit salad was a particularly nice touch.

An enjoyable read!

Fragments: Lt. (j.g.) Thomas Gregory

Reviewed by Lt. Tallis Rhul

The action in this entry is compelling, and there is a definite aura of mystique that flows throughout. It was a little difficult to follow at times (such is the nature of a piece that jumps to different points in time), but I feel it would have had more of a lasting effect if the questions that are raised during the story were answered more clearly by the end.

[Toni]

Here are the Banners for our winners. Congratulations to you both.

Jesse Lawn's Banners

Large Winner's Banner

Small Winner's Banner

Karynn Ehlanii's Banners

Small Runner-up Banner

Large Runner-up Banner

~Toni

Edited February 17, 2010 by Toni

[Lawn]

Thank you for creating the banner! It looks awesome!

[Toni]

Glad that you were pleased with it. Congratulations.

[kimstapledon]

Thank you for creating the banner! It looks awesome!

Hey, Jesse:

I was perusing your personal website and I was struck by a lack of one thing in your entry. Why didn't you include some combat elements pertinent to your own RL experience? It would be interesting if you were to develop a kind of hypothetical martial arts system that the Federation might use to add an extra bit of depth to your sims.

Again, congratulations.

Kevin

[Lawn]

Hey, that's not a bad idea...perhaps I'll do that.