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[2007: NOV-DEC] Feedback

Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf

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This thread is ONLY for moderators to post their feedback as they write it. All other posts will be DELETED.

Remember: you are under no obligation to accept or follow the feedback provided. It is only provided as a courtesy to challenge participants, and only reflects the personal opinion of the person writing it. If you don't like the feedback, we don't want to hear about it -- just close the thread and move on.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Before I start...all of the entries this round were pretty good. I had a tough time choosing!

So, some critiques:

Homecoming by Andrus Jaxx

I really liked this. Great sense of dread, nice twist at the end. I would, however, make a couple of suggestions. One is purely formatting. Those huge paragraphs make the story hard to read, try to break it up more next time. Also, the ending, whilst a great twist, was not entirely satisfying. Is anything left of Earth? I want to say no, but it's neither stated nor implied.

But overall, good. Well crafted, well written, good in terms of being in theme. I enjoyed it.

Promises of War by Toni Turner

I did like it, but there are a few more buts here. In all honesty? It worked very well as a story, it was well written, it was moving...and it could have been any war in any genre in any place or time. Actually? It felt like a story in Communist East Germany with a couple of Trek things added. It's a shame, because it *is* a really nice story, I just felt that the Trek elements were not integral enough for it to really fit 'spec'.

Final Victory by William Rogers

Nicely written little piece. The issue *here* is that it read like a slice of life/vignette, not a story. I realize it's hard to do in the word length restrictions, sometimes, but it could have been a little longer and still fit. In addition, there is a lot of 'telling' here. You describe what happened, you don't really give the story. Also, there were more than a few word choice errors. I suggest with future entries that you make sure you proof read it, or get somebody else to...it looks a bit like you relied on mechanical spellcheck, which misses a lot of things. There's a good story in the background here, it just needed to be allowed to come out.

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‘Desperate Times’ by Lt. Rode Mitchell

A good, well-written story. There is (as the title suggests) a definite air of desperation here, that good old Star Trek convention of not giving up in even in the face of overwhelming odds.

I liked the brief history Mitchell gave on the other races in the galaxy, that the Vulcans switched sides but the Klingons went down fighting, it gave the story a sense of being part of something bigger.

There were a few typos that could have been cleaned up but the dialogue throughout the story was good and the action sequences were fast moving didn’t get bogged down; you could almost imagine it as an episode of Trek.

Nice one.

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  • 2 weeks later...

(sorry about the delay!)

‘Running Game’ by Ensign Karynn Ehlanii

First off congratulations on such a good, clean submission! No spelling errors that I noticed and well laid out; a pleasure to read.

I particularly like the way you stuck to your story title throughout; there is a constant feeling of pace here helped by short sentences and quick glimpses of action. You don’t let the story halt but keep it moving. Unfortunately this also has it’s downside in that the reader doesn’t get a chance to take everything in (certainly not on first reading anyway) and are pulled along by the writing. An example of this is in the description of the Coalition and life in the Federation now, just the basic facts are presented. Likewise Inye and Kalen - it’s hard to feel anything for them as the reader never gets the chance to find out much about their personalities or history.

Still, I think the style pays off and makes this a very characterful piece and I really liked the way it didn’t have an ending as such, they just kept on running to the next adventure.

Edited by Jhen Thelev
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