[2007: SEP-OCT] Feedback

[Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf]

This thread is ONLY for moderators to post their feedback as they write it. All other posts will be DELETED.

Remember: you are under no obligation to accept or follow the feedback provided. It is only provided as a courtesy to challenge participants, and only reflects the personal opinion of the person writing it. If you don't like the feedback, we don't want to hear about it -- just close the thread and move on.

[Atan T'Seva]

Feedback for "Saving Grace" by Jackford B. Kolk

This was an interesting take on the theme, although I think others may have addressed it more directly. Jackson, instead, chose to look at how a little girl was changed by events beyond her control.

It was nice to see a clean submission with no mistakes or typoes that I could see. My one criticism is that there were some run-on sentences (Something I have to watch for in my own work). I suggest reading a story out loud; if you cannot finish a sentence without taking a breath, it is probably too long.

However, this was a story that I genuinely enjoyed, it left me wondering what will eventually happen to Aryalaa and her world. You pulled me in. Thank you.

[Atan T'Seva]

Feedback for "Sugar, Spice, Grit and Steel" by Toni Turner

A good, clean submission and a very interesting concept. However, I would have liked to have seen more of an actual story. I did see a few typos here, but nothing that affected the meaning of words or made it hard to read. The real problem is that nothing really changed...even if it was good to see somebody get his comeuppance, it left me a little less than satisfied. Your descriptions, though, are lovely...keep that up.

[Daydan Taboo]

The Most Important Day of Your Life, (besides being born) By Rama..

Started off nice and was a good read all the way though, no twists or turns just

the same kind of talk between a father and daughter probably since time began.

I liked how even though she was adamant that she wanted to pursue her own

goals that she still respected her farther in every way...

There is a hint of the adventurer in this young lady, she likes to push herself

and continue to exceed her own expectations, I liked the first two paragraphs,

for me I knew I would enjoy the rest of the story.. What I thought the piece

fell short was with the ending, not easy when limited to so few words..

I came away from reading this piece with a smile, "Good for her."

Nice job.. I hope she makes it in to Starfleet, she'll make a great

Fighter Pilot or Helm Officer...

[Admiral Hollis]

What are little Girls Made Of by Mike Wheeler

It is a good read with a solid plot. There is not much detail on character history. At the beginning this makes the Mike Wheeler character seem to be more of an Andriod than the actual android. He seems to have better than average reflexes and no fear. By the end of the story he seems much more human. As a commentor I suggest that Wheeler is shown to be more human at the beginning. Make him afraid, or show some of his new life with the rebels. (More Back Story) Give him a reason to live. You could also more overtly tie his amnesia to her conditioning. After all they are both modifications of the brain.

[Admiral Hollis]

Morning Light -

Some very traditional images are arranged in to a nice emotional story. You get a lot done in a short amount of time. It almost feels like the last chapter to a longer story. Nicely done. There may be only one off note. For some reason the last bit feels a bit creepy to me to me like the father is transferring a bit to much emotion and dependency to the daughter. This could just be me though.

[Admiral Hollis]

Sugar, Spice, Grit and Steel

Complete story or is it a literary poem? Nice daring form. Masterful use of language. Breaks down at the end when the Women speaks. She is almost set up as an angle, while the Man is a more vulgar creature. It would have been more effective without the women speaking. The death she delivered should be as beautiful as her peace.

[Daydan Taboo]

Els by Jhen Thelev

Els, a good story with a nice idea, I remember reading it over two or three times,

each time I was imagining my own twists and turns.. The Farengi was a good touch,

I must confess he added a little venomous humour to the tale... I wanted to

understand more about how their little girl had integrated into Bajoran life..

One of those stories where each paragraph leads you into asking even more

questions, for a book, it is a great way to reel in your reader, but for a short

story I think it makes the reader think that they have missed something..

I did enjoy the story, it was a good read and very well written, it was free

flowing and full of thought...

Nice job, good luck Thelev

[Admiral Hollis]

Destined for Failure

One of the things I like about Destined for Failure is it is a complete story with a definite plot. The character of Georgia is fairly well developed, and it is interesting that she is not well liked person. Her toughness makes for a good read, and I wish there was a bit more character to character interaction to draw out this unsympathetic character more.

There are a few points in the story where I find it hard to suspend disbelief all centered around Georgia’s situation. Having done hiking/hunting and worked with an organized wilderness group, going off alone and being un checked on didn’t ring true. Just as the group getting ready to give up after only 4 hours, and the person found being the one to order transport.

It also would have been nice to know who was trying to kill her and why.

My suggestion would be to partner her with her killer. Have the person cut the rope and leave her for dead. This could add a lot of tension to the story.