Lt. Toxin Arlill - So much to tell, so much more I can’t.

[Lhandon_Nilsen]

About six months ago, Lhandon and Toxin had a falling out in an explosive argument that the entire ship felt. This was partly caused by Henri, a being that serves as the computer for both Alpha Brenkelvi II and the OEB. Now, it’s Christmas Day, and the two are discussing what happened, with emotions finally coming to the surface.

I want to highlight something incredible that @Toxin Arlill (Erik) has done here. Not only has he set me up to write some of the most gut-wrenching sims I’ve created since joining, but he’s also avoided taking the easy route with this story. Erik could have easily made Toxin the villain of Lhandon’s story and gone for a cliche story but instead, he’s shown that Toxin isn’t the villain, nor is Henri. They’re just two individuals who made the wrong choices and, in doing so, hurt the one person who would have helped them without question: the person Toxin called a brother.

Toxin and Lhandon’s are experiencing pain, miscommunication, and regret, yet their confrontation feels authentic. Toxin isn’t a villain, and Lhandon isn’t blameless—they’re just two people trying to navigate the wreckage of their relationship.

Very few simmers can pull this off as well as Erik has, and even fewer could have seen it through without bailing early. 

Quote

((Arlill’s Office, Operations Center - Upper Level, Deck 6))

Arlill: He uses some type of chronometer to make it reappear.

Arlill had seemed to want to lighten the mood

Nilsen: So a timer, I can get behind that. Old tech but never fails.

Toxin could tell his attempt to bring levity or at least a shift in the tone of conversation was failing and Lhandon had so much more to express. He’d known Lhandon for a while now, seemed like ages, and he knew that when Lhandon had something in his head he needed to express, there was no way it was going to be silenced and no way it would be delivered with brevity.

He almost missed Henri, he was a safety blanket for Toxin, someone to help buffer him from the rest of the world. But Toxin realized that was the problem, he didn’t need a buffer, he needed a friend and while he’d come to consider Henri as such, he was no replacement for Lhandon.

Nilsen: Why didn’t you tell me on day one?

Arlill: You shouldn’t have to ask that, you know how difficult something like this is, how hard it is to adapt to this kind of change.

He watched as Lhandon looked out the no longer opaque window and ponder his words carefully. Toxin looked down to his desk, it’s black honed surface reflecting no light, as if it absorbed all the world’s woes, if only it could absorb Toxin’s.

Nilsen: I could have helped. If you had just told me…I would have helped.

Arlill: I couldn’t put you in that spot.

Nilsen: Instead…I was pushed away. What we had built, the dreams we had. This damned OC, Project FORT: How one day I’d be your first officer, and I’d always be at your side. Just…tossed aside for someone you’d only just met. I know I was no angel but, I don’t think I deserved that.

Lhandon wasn’t completely getting the complexity of what Toxin had gone through when Henri first came to be, and anything Toxin said would just come across as defensive, even if it were just the facts. This angered him, but as he opened his lips to speak, his filters engaged and he bit his tongue. Lhandon had been through a lot already, there was no need to make it worse.

He remained silent.

Nilsen: Do you know what the messed up part of all this is?

Toxin just shook his head silently.

Nilsen: The most cruel irony.

And he turned to face Arlill fully. Toxin was sure he was going to get yelled at, be berated for his actions. But that’s not what he received in turn, the response brought shivers down his spine as all of his emotions began to well up within. For someone who didn’t often show emotion, Toxin was feeling as if he were a dam about to burst.

Nilsen: Me and Henri should be on the same side, and that's what makes this situation so damned ironic. He loves you. Henri cares for you, and it shows. Did you see how he stood by your side through all of this, but still deferred to you? Did you notice whenever I saw you two in the gym, or even today, he always stood on your right-hand side? :He pointed to Arlill’s right side and his voice softened.:: That position, right there by your side - that should be my spot. That was supposed to be where I belong.

Lhandon's language had always been emotion—raw and unfiltered. If Toxin hoped to salvage their former bond, he would need to dig deep and tap into his own feelings. Fortunately, at this moment, they were already bubbling close to the surface.

oO Ok, I know I need to apologize, I know I need to speak my truths. I need to come clean and own up to my actions, nothing short of a speach was going to be enough to soothe his friend. Oo

Arlill: I… I… I don’t know what to say.

oO What the frack was that!? You idiot, you don’t know what to say?! What is wrong with you. Oo Tears began to well up again in Toxin’s eyes, there was no way he was going to hold those back any longer. Toxin was angry, not at Lhandon or Henri, but at himself.

Lhandon was correct, none of this would have happened if he’d just trusted Lhandon, but he also know trusting Lhandon put him at risk if he didn’t share what he knew and Henri was found out. But now it was too late, Toxin’s fear we met, now Lhandon was at risk too. He had few options, if many at all. He needed to come clean, not to Lhandon but to Rouiancet and Promontory.

Arlill: No. I do know what to say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I protected you and kept you in the dark. I’m sorry I hurt you and pushed you away. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner ::now crying::

He couldn’t tell if he was enraged, upset, angry, sad, or emotionally overwhelmed. He wanted to play the blame game, blame everyone else, blame Lhandon, blame Henri, but really it was himself he had to blame and no one else. He knew that, Lhandon knew that, hell even Henri knew it, but would Toxin take the path to remorse and regret or the path to anger and defensiveness.

Lhandon: Response

Arlill: You were going through so much, you had come so far, and what did I do? I frack’in pushed you away. I hurt my best friend and the first person in starfleet that didn’t treat me as just a crew member, but made me what I am, put me in this office.

Lhandon: Response

Arlill: There’s no way I can fix this, and there’s not enough apologies in the galaxy to make up for what I’ve done to you. And I would understand it if you weren’t ready to be my partner, my colleague, my right hand man, and friend again. Nor do I expect you to ever be there after what’s happened.

Lhandon: Response

And that threw Toxin for a curve, in that short sentence Lhandon put Toxin to the test. Does he tell Lhandon about the trip home? What would that mean for them? How would that impact every decision Lhandon has made to date and how it’s helped him grow? No, he needed to stick to the plan and keep this a secret, but how did he do that and still be honest with Lhandon, not hide stuff from him anymore.

Arlill: Nothing that I can tell you and not break Starfleet protocol.

It was a lame excuse to hide behind, one he hoped the rule follower in Lhandon would honor, but he had no right to ask him to do so.

Lhandon: Response

Tags/TBC

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Lieutenant Toxin Arlill

Chief of Operations

USS Octavia E Buttler NCC-82850

Writer ID.: O239910TA4