Lt. Cmdr. Kirsty Carpenter - The Last Paragraph

[Quentin Beck]

@Kirsty L. Carpenter is such a joy to write with. She and Beck are forming a very interesting friendship based a lot on their shared trauma on Grus Beta 3 and their shared admiration for the Ronin's former CMO, though it manifests a little differently for each. The letter at the end nearly made me cry

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((Sickbay Complex, Deck 10, U.S.S. Ronin))

Carpenter: Actually, I was lookin' for Kel too. I know my check-up is...long past overdue, but I had somethin' for him.

Beck stood stock still in the middle of his movement, and Kirsty screwed up her face in confusion. His broadly expressive features darkened noticeably, they would have had to have had for someone as...let's say, stolid as Kirsty to have noticed. It wasn't as if she was completely ignorant of the temperature of people and situations, but more often than not, the finer details of interactions sailed right by her. This hit her square in the chest.

She released her oddly ginger hold on the letter in her inner jacket pocket as Quentin started to speak once more, his voice now played in the minor key and with an appreciative softness Kirsty wasn't sure she had heard from the medic before.

Beck: Erm… he's not… here, exactly. I would've thought he'd have told you, he, uh… left for the Chin'toka already. 

oO What. Oo

She blinked once. The again harder, as if trying to wake herself up from a troubling dream. She barely noticed his shockingly graceful grip on her forearm and waist, the shock of the new information being the only thing that kept her instinctively jerking away from the Medical Officer's touch. A flood of memories and moments that would never be flooded through her mind like a torrent of honey. Cloying. Too sweet. Choking.

The stolen, scant bits of contact. The taste of the tulaberry wine on his lips. How she had felt so safe with him in the center of the ship she now dared to call her home. And now...nothing. It seemed so pointlessly cruel. Even more damning, she felt like the biggest moron in the universe for even allowing herself to get this far in the first place. 

At some point she found her voice again, but barely noticed the words. 

Carpenter: He...that doesn-....WHAT?!

The font of her feelings tightened her chest in near panic. Her legs started to wobble. She wanted to curse herself, scream at herself for being like this, but the sadder thing was, she wasn't entirely sure if she had ever really felt something like this. Pain and loss and grief, sure, but...how the hell did you mourn something that barely happened? That felt so massive in just the short amount of time it was alive?

oO You stupid, stupid cow...Oo scorned an inner voice that was starting sound more and more like Ma.

Beck: Whoa, whoa nelly. I'm not–

He sighed in a tone that sounded like he knew at least somewhat what was happening, but Kirsty was only half aware of being led to the biobed she was then deposited into. She had helped him slightly, shrugging up and out of the open uniform jacket and bringing a helpfully bracing cool breeze into her upper arms through the undertank she had been wearing...

But it was finally Quentin's voice that brought her back from her churlish near-panic attack.

Beck: Look, let's get you to a bed and we can talk.

He stowed the jacket and she watched dumbly as he did so, but then the bleeps and blops of the biobed vital meters started to pang, drawing the medics attention back to his duties. It was then the pain of her overexertion reminded of her of why she had gotten down here in the first place. The letter was...well, the letter was probably mostly pointless now, but that had only been half the reason she had come down here, eager to try and have some semblance of closure before Kel had taken his much deserved reassignment. Was that dumb to think in the first place? She couldn't, or maybe wouldn't, admit to herself in the moment.

Kirsty turned creakily to Beck as he returned to her side with another pointed sigh. He placed a PADD down on one of the surfaces in the biobed alcove and replaced it in his hand with the battered tricorder Kirsty had seen him use on the day she met him.  

Carpenter: I thought...I thought we had a little more time.

The light of his tricorder node swept across her slightly glassy eyes. She winced outwardly and inwardly, finally getting a firmer grip on herself, stoking maybe the smoldering frustration that was threatening to turn into a full flame of anger. It was mostly undirected and if any of it had a point, it was directed toward her, wrongly hair-shirting herself for getting close in that way to someone.

But she choked it down for the time being. Mostly thanks to her decorum as an officer. She had already made a jerk of herself, falling about the place like a terribly made puppet, so she resolved to buck way the hell up for the duration. Or at the very least until she got back to quarters.

Beck: I didn't know he hadn't talked to you about when he was leaving, or else I would have kicked his ass to say something before he left. I'm sorry about that.

She gave him a rueful, but grateful half-smile. Going even so far to pat the top of his "free" arm that was resting carefully by his own side.

Carpenter: No, no, you did right by me. It's much appreciated. And I knew he had gotten new orders, I just...I thought I would get the chance to say a real goodbye.

More bleeps and bloops, this time in syncopation with the terminals around them started to spool across the alcove. The look on his face seemed to tell of more than just her probably poorly current vitals. The load off her arms and legs was certainly helping, but the muscle aches would probably be making themselves known for a while still.

oO Good. I can focus on that, at least. Oo she thought, grimly.

Beck: I'm sorry for a lot of things, actually. I meant to come visit you after everything that happened on Grus Beta 3, but I got wrapped up in my own silly crap and what little romantic life I had fell apart.

He gave her his own look of consternation and Kirsty tried to make her face look commiserative. He was underselling it. For her benefit, obviously, but that just showed what sort of medic he was. He wasn't trying to pull focus (nor was Kirsty in a hurry to tell him what he had already lived himself), but she richly appreciated even this small move toward connection.

oO More than you got from V'Len. Oo came that acerbic, almost gleefully mean voice in her head. But she banished it for the time being with another sharp intake of breath (along with a silent, rapid version of counting exercise Dekas had provided; one that was quickly working its way to the top of her coping mechanism roster), focusing instead on the friend and peer in front of her.

Beck: I uh… had meant to come by your quarters at some point with a bottle of whiskey after Kel left right before the mission. I figured we both needed to let off some steam.

Carpenter: Medicinal purposes, I'm sure?

Beck: RESPONSE

She laughed. A genuine and sudden bark of laughter that cascaded even through the groans of her muscles. 

As she caught her breath again, she settled back heavily into the biobed. Turning uncharacteristically furrowed brows toward Quentin Beck, a sort of...warm feeling in her chest now. She had never really been very good at making friends and had just lost likely one of the closest personal relationships she had had in more than a decade...but none of that hindered the sunniness and attentiveness of Beck.

She both valued and envied that. And decided to stop wasting her time not telling people how she really felt when she wasn't being "The Chief". 

Carpenter: You are a damn good egg, Quentin Beck. I think I feel lucky to have met you.

Beck: RESPONSE

She gave a broad "harrump", shuffling her body slightly into a more comfortable position. 

Carpenter: Yeah, well, let's not go that far ::she says with a wink:: But you've always been there for me, on and off mission. Too right I should do the same. You've never gotta apologize to me. 

Beck: RESPONSE

She reached out, with an unexpected tenderness, squeezing his hand and wrist in a sisterly, almost courtly gesture. But for Kirsty it seemed huge. Could she finally admit to herself that she had connections here? Had grown a sort of rooting, ever branching connection to this ship and her motley, but constantly impressive crew? Maybe at some point. Probably after she had atomized that letter in her jacket.

But for now, she settled for...

Carpenter: You mind if I stay for a bit? As long as you don't need this bed? I got some hours before I'm back on deck, and...

Beck: RESPONSE

She smiled at him, probably the first time she had smiled at all that day (thought her people might have said all week) and then settled back into her biobed. Focusing into a lulling sleep with the bleeps and bloops of the terminals and monitors. As she drifted off, she allowed herself one last thought toward the letter, willing it's words and sentiments into the Alpha Isles space around them. The closest she had come to praying in years.

"I'm not good with words. Even worse with feelings. But what I think I want to say, basically, is thank you. Thank you for showing me that there is more to be than just living. Thank you for showing me how to appreciate the crew and ship around me on another level. And thank you for showing me a side of myself that I thought I had lost. 

Good luck. Stay safe. Go be amazing.

-Kirsty"

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TAG/End Scene for Kirsty! 

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Lieutenant Commander

Kirsty L. Carpenter

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Chief of Security & Tactical

Starfleet SAR

(Marine Rank: Major)

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U.S.S. RONIN

NCC-34523

ID: E239512QC0

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F.N.S. Contributor