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Ensign Poagie - InsufFISHent Funds


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Ferengis are are insufferably charming if well-written, and @Ian OConnor delivers here. Good work!u


((Shared Crew Quarters of Ensign Poagie and Acting Ensign k’Oar-€l ))


It was weird sharing a cabin with cylindrical tube.

Poagie knew that there was actually a living being in said tube but that didn’t make it any less weird. Actually, it was just creepy. The metal contraption reminded him of some combination of a human coffin and galvanized waste receptacle.  Sometimes the thing would just gurgle in the middle of the night waking poor Poagie up. The thing seemed to cycle like that every few hours. There had been no restful sleeps since the monstrosity was deposited in the cabin. The gurgling wasn’t even the worst of it though. During that same cycling, the windows on the tube emitted something that could only be described as a sort of bio-luminescent laser light show that strobed the whole room in a disco ball effect.

To top it all off, there was also the barrel.

Poagie was told that it was sealed up, air-tight, but there was no way that could be true. Not with the pungent aroma that centered from that spot. It was as if someone combined three-week-old moldy wet sweat socks with rancid sardine chum and then burned it. The awful smell permeated everything in the room. Even everything that was replicated stunk like bad seafood.

It was unacceptable. Even worse, it was unprofitable.

Poagie had at first tried the obvious steps to rectify the solution., as any self-respecting Ferengi would do. Unfortunately, no one on the Ronin or Star Base 33 was willing to buy, lease or even purchase shares of the barrel. Neither would anyone take the tube as collateral that he could "lose" at dabo. Even his attempt to sublet the cabin to some Edosian third shift maintenance engineer fell through at the last minute. Poagie suspected sabotage on that one.

Night after night of no sleep began wearing on Poagie heavily. He was making bad investments, diversifying the wrong assets, losing latnum! He was driven to utter desperation. So, Nagus forgive him, Poagie then dug into his own sunny-day stash to try to pay someone to switch cabins. This too failed. Word had apparently gotten out and it seemed as no monetary amount would entice other crew members to be reasonable. It was maddening.

He decided to try circling back to another earlier tactic, going back to the source of who assigned him to these wretched quarters in the first place.

Maybe if he upped the ante just a little more he’d wear her down. He composed himself then tapped his comm badge.

Poagie: =/\= Ensign Poagie to Mistress Ico. =/\=

Ico: Response

Poagie: =/\= I was just reaching out to see if you’d liked the ::coughs as if choking on the word:: gift...that I sent you. I must admit I’m not very good at judging lobe sizes in humans. I hope it’ll fit even if your lobes shrink in the cold. =/\=

Ico: Response

Poagie: =/\= Oh yes of course, dear, of course. Oh and by the way since we’re chatting, I don’t suppose you’ve had time to process through… I mean reconsider my request for room reassignment. =/\=

Ico: Response

Poagie: =/\= Oh, I see. :: he didn’t:: =/\=

Ico: Response

Poagie: =/\= Yes, yes, my lovely. I understand. :: he didn’t:: I don’t want to keep you but...just one more thing before I go…hypothetically speaking, if you had to choose between an emerald and a ruby, which would you choose? =/\=

Ico: Response


Poagie: =/\=Personally, I think emeralds set on a sterling chain would complement your radiant eyes but what do I know of such things, eh? =/\=

Ico: Response

Poagie: =/\= Thank you again for letting me take up this portion of your precious time. Have a wonderful rest of your day Mistress Ico. =/\=

Ico: Optional Response

oO Darn her and her backward Bajoran morality. Oo

He’d have to get both gemstones.

So it was off to the shops on DS33. At least he’d be out of this room for a while and if he could clear the fatigue from his lobes, maybe, just maybe Poagie could figure out a way to break even on this shopping trip.

oO Break even?! By the Great Rules of Acquisition I’ve gone mad!!! Oo

So caught up in his woe, Poagie failed to hear the wake alarm sounding from the metallic tube as he left his quarters.




Ensign Poagie

Science Officer / Ametuer Alchemist

USS Ronin NCC-34523


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