round 15 Captain Andrus Jaxx - Reflections

[Segolene LeMarnix]

((Ready Room, USS Apollo))

::After finishing his discussion in the holodeck with Hugh, Jaxx thought of orbital skydiving. He started down the corridor and realized that he really was not feeling up to it. He considered heading back to the casino, but decided that it was getting late. Turning around, he headed toward the turbolift. He took the lift up to the bridge and quietly made his way to the Ready Room. As he made his way in, he poured himself some Saurian brandy. With the glass in hand, he picked up a PADD and moved over to the door on the back wall. As it opened, he stepped into the small "crash room" that was connected. It contained a bed, and a lavatory with a sonic shower.::

::It was something new to the design of a starship. The thought was that there were times when a CO or XO would need to take a power nap during a crisis. Having a bed in the room kept them from having to leave the area of the bridge. He was not aware of many ships that had the accommodation, but was curious if all new classes contained the convenience. For Jaxx it was a way to avoid his quarters. He glanced to the uniform hanging up, as he took a sip of his beverage. They were on their way to the Trinity Sector, but he felt more stressed out than he did during the confrontation with the creature. He hated not knowing where and why they were diverted. Glancing down he looked over some reports on the PADD. Relations with the Klingons were not what they once were. During the Dominion War they were the Federation's greatest ally. Now they seemed to be acting like a spoiled child that had to have their way. The latest report placed a Klingon Fleet amassing in the Mempa Sector. Jaxx feared a power play for Romlulan held territories. It only made sense since that is where their destination was.::

::It had been some time since he last visited the Trinity Sector. His last official action in the area was to transfer command of StarBase 118 to Commander Nicholotti. He found himself hoping there was time to see his old friend. No matter what, he would make time to visit with her before leaving he area. It was hard to tell when the next time he would be in the area was. It was the life of a StarFleet officer. It had its up and downs, but never knowing where you were going to be one day to the next took its toll on many things. Relationships were not something that were easy to maintain. He was now single once again, and it was starting to become a cycle. The only saving grace was the fact that Tressa was alive. With losing his first two loves to the Dominion War, it left him slightly jaded. He found himself unable to open up like he should. It seemed that in his recent past, he was only able to open up to other Betazoids. It was due to the fact he could not hide his feelings from them. It was also the reason he avoided returning home. He looked at himself as a man of strength and it bothered him to have moments of weakness.::

::Finishing his drink, he kicked off his shoes and ditched the special attire. Laying down in the bed, he stared at the ceiling. After a few moments, he picked up the PADD and began looking for something to read that would keep his mind off of the way he was feeling. There were times he felt isolated among his crew. There were people he could talk to, but only about certain things. It was not the lack of accessibility, it was his lack of will. He was the captain of a starship, and felt he should not carry as much emotional baggage as he did. He worked hard to keep up the facade that everything was alright. He found himself burying his mind in work so that he could avoid thinking about where he was in life. For every success in his career, he had an equal failure in his personal life. One did not really affect the other, it was just a self observation.::

::Tossing his PADD onto the nightstand, he pulled the blanket over him. After a few moments he felt restless, tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position. He realized that the bed was just as comfortable as the command chair. There was something about new vessels that did not cater to comfortability. He kept his eyes closed, seeking a peaceful slumber. It took quite a bit of time, and countless rotations in his tossing and turning, but in the end he was finally able to fall asleep.::

((Ready Room, USS Apollo - 0615))

::Usually he liked to start the day earlier, but he had forgot to set an alarm. He found himself moving from the edge of the bed to the shower. Once he was completed with the cleansing ritual, he put on the uniform that was waiting for him. He finished his morning routine of brushing his hair and teeth, and found his way out to the office. Replicating a cup of vreeca, he moved toward the desk. He opened the latest operations reports and was not surprised to find nothing new. He had only fallen asleep a few hours prior. It was an increasing problem for him. He found it harder and harder to fall asleep. It was the worst it had been since his coma a few years ago. He had not noticed any issues with his telepathic control, so he considered it an isolated incident. Had he not been the CO, he would have visited Sickbay to see if something was wrong. In his mind it would be admitting he had a weakness, or illness of some sort. He had no ambition of dealing with tests and scans from any of the medical staff. He trusted their skills, but was the type to only go to Sickbay when he absolutely had a good reason.::

::He continued to sit at his desk reading anything new that he had not laid eyes on. There was a good amount of information on the Klingons, and even some reports on Romulan movements. Since Romulus was destroyed, the Romulans kept having increasingly difficult times trying to reform. There were too many people seeking power, and the Empire was divided. He feared that the Klingons would use this as a reason to capitalize on the situation. He pressed a few buttons on the console and waited for the computer to chirp before speaking.::

Jaxx: Personal Log, Stardate 238908.07. We finished locating and transferring the survivors from the Nelson. I have made the recommendation that StarFleet dispatch another vessel to the area for an extensive search. There were still escape pods that were unaccounted for. ::sighing:: Tressa is gone now, she and the kids transferred over to the Carpathia to hitch a ride to DS5. From there, they will be leaving on a transport for her next assignment. Having her base-side will be good for the kids. Honestly, I do not know what to think. I wish I could forget, and take away my regrets. If we could've started again, would it have changed the end? I do not believe in fate, I never have. I think that where you end up is a victim of circumstance and your choices along the road. ::scoffs:: Maybe I should avoid non-telepaths. It seems every time I do, it ends badly. Why am I so closed off? I swear by the deities, I have known me, my entire life...I have a doctorate in psychology, I have been a counselor...and I am still a mystery to myself. How can I expect anyone to "get me" if I cannot get myself? The only thing I seem to do right is perform my duties. Do I pour so much of myself into it, I am bound to fail at anything else? ::snickering as he shook his head in frustration:: They say "ask the questions" for that is the only way you can seek answers. I have been asking these same questions for years, yet here I am...still asking. I just...I do not know. End log.

::As the computer chirped once more, he rubbed his face and cupped his hands behind his head and leaned back. There were so many questions he had, and could not find answers for. He had no desire to see the counselor, or receive the cookie cutter treatment it would involve. It would have helped if Jaxx did not spend any time in the field. He had the same ability to ask the questions and give insight into the situation, but for him it did not help repair the feelings. Life was a compromise of happiness and unhappiness, he just wished they would find a better balance. Why did one have to be in his professional life, leaving nothing but unhappiness for his personal one? He sighed deeply and turned to the crew files. He had a 0800 meeting with a few officers, and it was time to get his mind in the game. He thought of each of the ones he had seen the night before. Just as a precaution, he sent Ra-Uleyra a message in case Viktor forgot to relay it. Once that was complete, he sat alone in silence waiting for the day to officially begin.::

TBC

Captain Andrus Jaxx

Commanding Officer

USS Apollo, NCC-71669

Captains Council Magistrate