[2008: MAY-JUN] Feedback

[Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf]

This thread is ONLY for moderators to post their feedback as they write it. All other posts will be DELETED.

Remember: you are under no obligation to accept or follow the feedback provided. It is only provided as a courtesy to challenge participants, and only reflects the personal opinion of the person writing it. If you don't like the feedback, we don't want to hear about it -- just close the thread and move on.

[Guest]

‘Welcome to Hospitality’ - By Jophry Calhan

I liked the way Jophry tackled the hospitality theme on several levels. First off, Project Hospitality itself was started for the Starfleet Diplomatic Corp, but that’s not where the story puts it’s focus. Instead, we’re introduced to the character of Jesper and the inhospitable way in which he is treated by his workmates. Jesper is a classic character - the ugly, excluded loner - but Jophry manages to paint him as an individual, I particularly liked the reasoning behind him becoming a holoengineer.

The final element of ‘hospitality’ comes in the twist in the tale and Jesper’s own version of it towards the authority figures that have looked down on him all his life.

The whole thing is well--written and the principal characters are given enough room to breathe. The layout is also very neat; although we know Jesper is on the verge of a metaphorical mental cliff we don’t know whether he stands or falls until later in the story, at the same time as the other characters.

Overall, a surprisingly dark story. I wasn’t expecting it to turn out how it did but I like having my expectations challenged. And the final line, echoed from the very start, takes on an incredibly sinister aspect. A particularly fine touch.

[Guest]

‘The Vanishing Hosts’ - By Toni Turner-West

Another solid Toni entry. As usual, can’t fault the technical stuff - writing and language are excellent.

I was intrigued by this story from the start, how Toni had decided to approach the hospitality theme through the use of the Prime Directive and the inherent ethical issues in moving an entire species from their soon-to-be-inhospitable home planet - a very good Star Trek plot.

It's a theme I would have liked to have seen explored a bit further, but apart from the conversations between the Starfleet Officers it doesn't really come up again.

I did like the fact that Toni's evocative description of the idyllic world is in stark contrast to the 'hosts' who populate it and the unfortunate officers who beam down to help end up as dinner. It's a nice example of how rushing in, even with the best intentions, isn't always the best idea.

Like 'Welcome To Hospitality' I also liked that the twist was unexpected and sudden but if I do have a complaint it was the unsatisfying nature of the closing lines - the addition of the Vorta felt a bit tagged on and adds little to the story.

[+ Francis_deMarc]

Hospitality Reaches Across Many Borders - Idril Mar

Very well written story. It reminds me of a number of other such stories that talk about the ghosts of the past, sometimes Will o' Wisps that float around bogs, the souls of those dead before their time. The way that Mar writes is very engaging, drew me in right away. I especially like the Good day to die reference. Glory is fleeting at some times, and the Hospitality angle is a good one. One area that I enjoyed was the naritive section of the attack; a vivid description of the debris floating around. One thing that I would change is to focus on the 'type' of hospitality given by the Klingon crew; Why do I see much carrousing and merry making going on? Would have made a great way to include dialogue. The characters were intreaguing and made me want to know more about them (which seems to be common in judging these contests!)

Great job!

[+ Francis_deMarc]

A Free Lunch - Carmen Maria

A humorous ending to this story. The dinner party was a good dialogue, adding in a good bit of naritive as well. I am more drawn to the stories that are a good mix of naritive and dialogue, and in this case, I found myself thinking that it was a perfect mix of the two. The females as they stalked the party gave the idea of a pack (is that what one calls it?) of sharks looking for a good bit of tasty food for their dinner. Add in the monkey man at the end and the charming conversation, what with the main character extending hospitality to the stranger, and you have a perfect setting for any of a number of current spy novels. I especially liked the way it all came together, with not putting so much store in a person's appearance. Fantastic bit of work, and one that I would definately read more of~!

[Daydan Taboo]

Sky/Paradise Portal Outlet, Hospitality?

I think the writer delights in his use of words, it is easy to see that they are chosen with care, and some of the words that are needed have not yet even been created... The story rolls out between the characters who seem to delight in philosophy and free thinking, something that most still struggle to understand, although choppy in some parts Xoet has tried hard to try and deliver the story that he had in his mind as best he could, I think the style of your writing is still very unique, [erhaps to unique, but as the Admiral states, these are our opinions and by no means right or for that matter wrong... I see your style develop Xoet 12, and for the vast majority it will be a hard and confusing read, but I do see what you are trying to achieve, keep working on it, being different is what makes us special.... Nice story, keep working at it Xoet, perfection is impossible, excellence comes with practise.....

[Daydan Taboo]

The Good Ship Hospitality by Jackford B. Kolk

To say it was an amusing story would be an understatement, I think a twisted almost excited grin etched it's way onto my face with in minutes of starting to read the story, either that or my notion that where ever Farengi are involved there is going to be mischief, and I wasn't disappointed either, I liked the characters descriptions, and on a few occasions the glances between them... It is not easy to let the ideas of a story unfold without just using the words we write, but there was an underlying feeling all the way through of how the story would unfold, I tried to predict the final scene but was left happily way out.... It was a good story Kolk, and I found it entertaining and you gave me some great ideas for some pieces of my own... Keep up the good work, you are on the right track.....

Nice job, and thanks for the entertaining read...