Insightful Solo Sim

[Alix Harford]

This is the most insightful and detailed Personal Log I've read. Lynn did a great job summarizing our crew's mental states after Frontier Day and reflecting on how the ship interactions have impacted her character. She also took on an interesting issue of the trials of being a "human passable" alien race. I loved reading it. The touching last line gave me chills. 

 

 

((OOC: All thoughts and feelings belong to the character about other characters and are not a reflection of the writer’s personal feelings regarding other writers.))

 

 

((Sevantha Saa’s Quarters, Deck 10, USS Astraeus)) 

 

((Six Months Post-Frontier Day))

 

 

//Medical Officer’s Personal Log, Lieutenant Junior Grade Dr. Sevantha Saa of the USS Astraeus.

 

 

 

Six months have passed since the events of Frontier Day. With all the pain and devastation caused by the Changelings and the Borg, it appears Starfleet has done as I told the Changeling it would. Survive and eventually thrive once again. Very few things in the universe are as unifying as destruction. 

 

 

 

The crew of the USS Astraeus have been making great efforts toward healing, physically and mentally, many have been visiting the Counselors regularly and very few have had to be tracked down for mandatory scans at Starfleet’s requests. Many have spent time expanding their knowledge, using the time so close to earth to take extra courses at the academy, achieve new certifications, and overall showing dedication to bettering themselves.

 

 

 

I’ve taken a number of courses and independent classes to improve my performance as an officer on the ship since achieving the rank of Lieutenant Junior Grade.  

 

Counseling - Completed the class portion of the counseling training program included a dissertation defense with Dr. Alix Harford. Still there are observation hours under a certified Counselor to be done, Internship Hours which would happen on board the Astraeus which still will take a year and some pre-practicum hours which will hopefully be fulfilled in some group therapy or meetings events in the future. 

 

Bridge Officer Course - My first experience on the bridge was the little time at the beginning of Frontier Day, as one gains rank, there is more and more chance I will be in the rotation when the need for a Medical Officer arrives. My instincts as a doctor are one thing but in the heat of the moment sitting at a console is very different then working on a patient, the instincts have to be different and they need more development. 

 

Standard Federation Sign Language - One of my trauma responses is the loss of my speaking voice, selective mutism, and I have come to find that many people are not comfortable with telepathic speaking being my first language. My attempt to bridge this is trying to learn sign language to communicate as opposed to defaulting to what is comfortable to me. 

 

 

 

Admittedly, as a Betazoid on a ship with a large human population, I have struggled to not feel like an outsider in regards to social normalities. Part of this I believe stems from the fact that to most of my fellow officers, I am very passable for a regular human, and that alone comes with the expectation to have Earth based behaviors. Many forget the genetic markers of black eyes being a seeming link to many telepathic species until I do something normal for myself, or accidentally respond to what they’re thinking when on my worst days I cannot tell the difference between spoken word and over heard thought. 

 

Many members of the crew have become accepting, few even enjoying the exchange of thoughts, while others I have found means to mask for their own comfort. Sometimes I do feel like there is a need to be more human to fit the expectations they have of me when they see me, but I do not know if that is due to a discomfort I have being a source of unease for them or if they truly expect other species that appear human to behave in more human ways.. Many humanoids can say one thing to you but be thinking entirely differently, this includes their feelings about you, with the expectation you do not actually know. 

 

 

 

But… I do know and while as a Starfleet Officer I can professionally pretend until it's detrimental to my occupation, on the personal level this type of dishonesty is a struggle to adapt to. At what point is it acceptable to call out the behavior? Free thought I understand but to catch someone in a lie to you and not be able to say it feels so strange. On a personal matter, I suppose it is understandable until it's Medical, then at what point am I denying my patient the best care by ignoring it? On professional matters is it when the subject becomes a threat to fellow officers or to Starfleet protocol? 

 

 

 

I do not mean to sound like life is truly difficult, the crew, despite my own struggles, have been a fascinating group of people thrust together. The crew has changed since Frontier Day and the launch of the Chin’toka, we have lost crew and gained some, not all I have had the chance to meet. I hope to rectify that in the future. 

 

Commodore Captain Mei’konda - I have a lot of respect for the Captain. After Frontier Day, we had a good conversation regarding the fallout with the Changelings and the behavior of certain officers towards the previously assimilated. Seeing his temper flare at the injustice was in the moment a little unnerving but at a distance, inspiring, I appreciate he cares so much about his crew. I have no doubt it was on his orders the plaque in the Pagrati Lounge has been updated so quickly with the names of the lost during Frontier Day right next to the Battle of Ricker Prime losses. His compassion impresses me as I have seen all too easily how war can change someone, to maintain it, is admirable… I believe he might be due for his annual soon. 

 

First Officer Lt. Commander Lael Rosek-Skyfire - Our new First Officer who came on just before the events of Frontier Day. She has an impressive resume from engineering, instructor and admittedly a medical record that paints her as a survivor. She is one of the other telepaths on the ship I find myself capable of relating with but our positions are very different. Currently her condition has me questioning whether or not bioborg technology still within us has caused alterations to our gifts sensitivities. Al-Leyan telepathy is a largely unstudied field by the University of Medara so most of my experience will have to be learning on the job. 

 

Second Officer Lt. Commander Esa Kiax - As a doctor, it is more often than not that I meet people at their worst instead of their best. Still even at her worst she has been delightful company, whether she thinks so or not. As still an active patient of mine, I admittedly find myself always checking on her, wondering if she slept well or if the nightmares have returned or if she’s punishing herself with her hand or not. Dr. Harford has taken up her care in regards to physical rehabilitation and I trust her skills. I do not think she is unfit for duty but what she has gone through is enough to spark my worrying instincts it seems. 

 

Lt. Commander Timothy Alentonis - Our newest science officer who has come aboard just before Frontier Day who has previously served as Professor at Starfleet Academy. Like myself, he seems to struggle with finding his place on the crew, but social awkwardness might be a universal part of the Astraeus crew joint struggles. Still I look forward to seeing his contributions in the future to the ship as he settles in and hopefully finds his place. A lesson that anyone of any rank can suffer from such struggles. I will need to do a follow-up with him soon. 

 

Lt. 101 and 000 - The Bynars are a pair I do not know very well but during the events of Frontier Day, witnessed a strangeness in that one was affected by the borg, and the other was not, helping link the change to brain development. I still need to follow-up with the two of them post Frontier Day but rediscovering their sense of self was the most important as it was for many who were assimilated. Before then… only one got sick also, they are a bit of an anomaly of textbook Bynar which is marvelous. We can never know everything. 

 

Lt. Wyatt Ral - If there was anything good to come out of Frontier Day for me, it was getting to connect with Wyatt. He’s from Betazed as well and while his family is far from traditional, he helps me feel a little less like a fish out of water by reminding me of the comforts of home. His grandmother even sent baked goods from Betazed that she made herself. Our last meeting, the memory of part of Betazed being destroyed, the feeling and thoughts of all that life there and then gone haunted him, and I felt someone understand what had happened at Ohmallera…

 

Lt. Christopher Caldwell - A talented individual blessed with good looks and adaptability, but infuriatingly confusing display of certain Earth born personality expectations. He treats vulnerability like a curse and attempts to address it as almost an offense, I do not understand it. There are few who I have met who mentally contradict themselves. He should honestly be seeing a Counselor but we will see how he recovers over shoreleave first. We are on friendly terms so long as he doesn’t use that terrible song as a mental shield again… though I know the truth is I unnerve him with what I am. 

 

Lt. Charles Matthews - The Chief of Security and I have become quite good friends since Frontier Days. Whether it is sparring or simply enjoying a drink, Matthews is good company even if he doesn’t think so. There are very few people who understand how devastating it can be to lose a sibling to senseless tragedy one can relate to. He is too harsh on himself sometimes, but I would be hypocritical to call him out on it, as I was also raised working with the scrutiny of one parent their entire life. What is the Earth phrase… birds of a feather? 

 

Lt. JG. Gwen’ora Tasen - We’ve come a long way since Starbase 118 graduation. It is odd not sharing a room with her, but we’re across the hall by design, so there is rarely a time we cannot burst into one another’s room. I am worried about her following Frontier Day however… The Ba’ku people live a simple life by design, rejecting technology due to their space faring history, but few have had to experience the pain the galaxy can inflict in the modern era… I hope she gets to see the beauty of the stars eventually.

 

Lt. JG. Divya Tam - Forged in fire is the term I would use for our friendship. Divya was with me in sickbay at the tail end of Frontier Day, and since then we’ve done quite a bit together on shore leave such as relaxing at hot springs, exploring earth, exploring the earth relic that is a vandura, and I’ve been the Medical Officer assisting in some of her security projects. We’re both Children of War, a title Divya uses to describe us as children to soldier parents of the Dominion War. It’s comforting to have someone I can talk to about some of those heavier subjects and understand why I… sometimes I treat certain things like facts of life other than horror. I really should ask her to spar with me next. 

 

Lt. JG. Dr. Kris Fianna - Initially we had a rough start following Frontier Day, but since her return from the inpatient stay, and she’s gotten back into work we have been on much better terms. I respect Dr. Fianna immensely for the willingness to go to a facility, having been in one myself, there is an unjust stigma some cultures have about receiving help. Not to mention her drive and dedication to her patients above her own health make her an incredible doctor. 

 

Ensign Dr. Alix Harford - Initially a relief doctor from Denali Station, Dr. Harford has become a permanent member of our crew. In a short time the two of us have gone through quite a bit together, with Ensign McGillian’s telepathic awakening and the hours upon hours put into our dissertation on the “Reevaluation of Telepathic Therapy Criteria and Procedure Review.” Initially I was aware I have made her uncomfortable due my psionic abilities and her own trauma, but I believe we have both made strides being mindful. I believe we are all very fortunate for Dr. Harford’s transfer and she has done well integrating into the crew. 

 

 

 

Lieutenant JG Dr. Sylvie Doucet and Commander Serala were both part of the Chin’toka reacquisition and appear to be making the ship a permanent part of the Fleet and will be joining the Astraeus in the Expanse. Unfortunately, Lieutenant JG Slav Shewytch has also transferred off the ship for now to recover from the events of Frontier Day. I noticed a number of new cadets and recently a new Lieutenant JG named Diego Beyett who I have not yet met but saw his medical check in with Dr. Harford. 

 

 

 

I do feel a small sense of guilt following Frontier Day that I am working through in meditation. Compared to most members of the crew, I came out mentally in a much better place, which feels rather insulting to all of their struggles. Part of it is due to my experience with Ohmallera and the six months I spent at the University of Medara’s psychiatric care unit, learning how to process loss and improving my brain’s trauma processing. Frontier Day tested my ability to deal with hearing the pain and thoughts of everyone around me and keep going. Part of me feels like a monster still being able to function, hearing the Borg Queen’s voice in their minds, all of them trapped… but I couldn’t free them. All I could do was get Sickbay back up and running so we could begin taking patients. 

 

 

 

And a part of me… feels strangely fulfilled. When I joined Starfleet, I was following my brother’s dream. I told myself one difference I did want to make was to assure nothing like what happened to Ohmallera happened anywhere else. Earth wasn’t touched at the end of the day.

 

 

 

There were casualties, terrible numbers lost in Starfleet, but part of me cannot help but feel relief in that we prevented ships from firing down onto those cities below. The Astraeus, in its first mission, does what I had set my life goal to… Fate is a funny thing, isn’t it? 

 

 

 

As we prepare for our departure to the Par’tha Expanse I have turned much of my free time into getting familiar with the Caraadians biology as well as familiarizing myself with some of their social etiquettes and expectations. Much like Betazed there appears to be a Noble House system, though it feels far more expansive and without the religious connections at the root of them. Houses of any sort always means the capacity for the crew to become entangled in the drama of the nobility, an area my upbringing has me very familiar with as a generational vassal of the Seventh House. After a talk with Matthews, I will also need to learn what I can about the Valcarian’s should we come into contact with them, both medically and socially. 

 

 

 

…There is much to be done before we officially take off but there is a shift in the atmosphere around the ship, everyone knows it’s time, and while I am thankful that many of my crewmates got to experience the comforts of home as they recovered.

 

 

 

I have been ready to see the stars. 

 

 

 

I hope you can see them too, Velaan. //

 

 

 

--

Lieutenant JG Sevantha Saa

Medical Officer

USS Astraeus 

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