Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf

What's the emoticon for "I would poke holes in my cheeks with kebab skewers if it would relieve the pressure in my head right now"?

Ugh, it's going to be so grossly hot in the Bay area this week I just want to buy a tent and just sleep on the beach. This is torture.

I just got ice cream in my eye.

It is our [...]ing anniversary! And I expect to be treated like it is my birthday goddammit!

JFC, people. When lawmakers start openly suggesting using torture on the Boston bomber, it's clear that we aren't even looking for the moral compass anymore - we threw that piece into the pit of hell and decided to skip gleefully off toward dystopia.

I thought the national torture discussion around Abu Gharib reaffirmed that using torture on ANYONE made us no better than thugs? I thought we were all clear that, despite the heinous nature of any crime, the mark of an advanced society was the...

When I went in to Foot Locker today, I was asked if I wanted a "standard white guy shoe."

Here's what I predict the President will say: "Why didn't you progressives make me advocate harder for this thing I really want?!"

Hey Zipcar® members: I was scammed at a gas station by someone who is targeting Zipcar drivers. Despite my protestations, he washed the vehicle's windows and then stopped the gas pump from closing out after the handle was returned to the pump. (I think he may have stuffed the paper towel he was using into the nozzle holster.) He then pumped 9 gallons of gas after I drove away, and I'm being charged for the excess. (The vehicle only holds 13 gallons, but 22 gallons were pumped.) Apparentl...

I JUST had a root canal yesterday and my husband is already making me go get dinner for him. WTF Hank Hedland?

I visited the ASPCA website last week, and now I'm being followed around the internet by ads with emaciated and pity-inducing puppies. Enough with the remarketing, people!

Well this day has been [...] so far. Phone stopped working the minute I walked out the door (now it's dead). Cavity is turning into a root canal tomorrow. Mailing that was supposed to send this morning never went out.

Jesuschrist if these assholes were walking down these stairs into the BART station any slower we'd be going up instead of down. Just missed my train.

Thanks y'all!

The theme of my dreams this morning was 80s buddy comedies. Things took a fresh turn when Bruce Willis invited me to his dorm room to watch hockey and then got all flirty with me.

Now I have a crush on Bruce Willis.

I'm craving birthday cake.

So why are there so many people with red profile pictures?

The US Solicitor General's argument before the court today show exactly the problem with the "state's rights" arguments, and the justices saw right through it. The US basically argued "All the states that have civil unions have to instead have marriage, but everyone else can do what they want." That's ridiculous. I get where they're going -- they don't want to ask the court to decide that all of America must have same-sex marriage -- but it makes no sense and seems more regressive than progre...

Food poisoning apparently adds a temporary superpower: extraordinary sense of smell. And wow - this place smells disgusting.

"No T no shade, but..."

"ALL T, ALL SHADE!"

Where can I find good Peruvian seafood in the Bay Area? Not the Peruvian roasted chicken kind, but the Lomo saltado kind.

It's my favorite thing and I haven't had it since we left LA.

"So why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?"

Hey lady who stopped at the bottom of the Bart escalator with your rolley bag: sorry I yelled at you to GTFO out of the way because the 100 people behind me on a moving platform couldn't be stopped.

I know it must have seemed like I was being rude, but I didn't know how else to get your attention before you died from crush injuries.

I hope you're up girl, because we are all coming over. Lock the doors, lower the blinds, fire up the smoke machine and put on your heels, because I know exactly what we need. LET'S HAVE A KIKI.

If my health insurance company can't even figure out what doctors I'm supposed to see, how am I supposed to figure it out?

Why wasn't the movie as good as the Les Miserables number on the Oscars?

I am composing a book of poetry about the awful people on that flight. It will be titled "Annoying Flightmates, how I hate you. Let me count the ways." look for it in stores - brick & mortar, and online - soon.