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[Round 7] Dark Thoughts

James T. Kolk

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((Double Shot, USS Ronin))

:: As the doors opened for a young ensign, Ben slipped into the chaos of the bar. He moved to a shadowy point, and watched the goings on. A large table had been cleared out for a group of officers. He could hear Kolk and Brice jokingly laughing, even heard Thelev's abortive comment about the Captain finding him. Something, he suddenly realized, he wasn't looking forward to. He'd already heard that Mar hadn't landed with everyone else...and considering the creatures they'd encountered...Ben might well have gotten her killed by his actions. As the first bitter feelings of failure slipped into his overtired mind, he saw a petty officer moving toward Ro. He smiled as he imagined the man being flipped behind her, or perhaps just slapped with nearly jaw breaking force.

A frown slipped back onto his face...he couldn't hear them talking...but...was Ro...smiling? There was a huge grin on the petty officer's face...and it looked like Ro was ordering another drink. Moments later, a large bottle was brought to the table. Ah...she was going to club the irritating little man. Officially Ben would have to reprimand her..but in private it was going to....his train of thought was interrupted again as he watched her pour the other man a drink. All the depression he'd felt slipping away slammed back into him full force. He could see she was enjoying herself...having fun....with another man...in front of everyone. Suddenly the laughter around him took a darker note. They weren't laughing about things around them...they were laughing at him. That he could be worthy of the red headed doctor...that he fit in at all. Maybe even what Wilde and Thelev had questioned...that they didn't think him "fit" to lead. It all started to fit into place, the tension when he entered a room...the way people melted away from him in the hallways. How everyone else on the ship seemed to be invited to one party, one group meeting. Heck, he'd even heard there was a breakfast club, people getting together to start the day...none of which anyone had invited him to. He heard Ro's laughter, the musical quality of it tugging at his heart...and stabbing him again as he realized the laughter was dedicated to someone else. ::

:: It was all just too much...touched on nerves worn too raw. He moved to the door, his shoulder's slumped, letting the laughter of the room lash him as he entered the cool quiet of the hallway. A lifetime of tears welled in his eyes. He felt alone...more alone than he'd ever felt...and adrift in a way that he'd never known. He straighted himself, outwardly looking as calm and confident as always...as he wandered the halls...ghosting through areas left vacant by the celebrating crew. ::

Commander Ben Walker


USS Ronin

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  • 3 weeks later...

there is an emotional lonelyness expressed that is not resolved and makes myself feel what is happening.

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