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[2008: JAN-FEB] Feedback

Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf

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This thread is ONLY for moderators to post their feedback as they write it. All other posts will be DELETED.

Remember: you are under no obligation to accept or follow the feedback provided. It is only provided as a courtesy to challenge participants, and only reflects the personal opinion of the person writing it. If you don't like the feedback, we don't want to hear about it -- just close the thread and move on.

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Secrets and Lies, by Elisa Verde (Lt. JG Karynn Ehlanii)

Very difficult this time around to say the least, I take my hat off to everyone that took part..

Your story lines were so different than what came to my mind on reading the brief, but very

enjoyable reading all the same..

Poor Korel, no wonder he was feeling paranoid... I felt for the guy myself and was almost

reluctant to get to the end, but you just had to know... I think in private he will make her

promise to never do any more surprise parties ever again... It was a hard topic but I think

the way you kept it moving was a good and creative way of keeping the reader almost afraid

to continue but wanting to see it through to the end...

I liked the kisses on the cheek which came up several times and her occasional smiles, it

always left that air of doubt in your mind that perhaps he was over reacting...

Best of luck with the votes Elisa, keep up the good work....

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Test of Loyalty, by Toni Turner

A difficult subject, a few writers had the same sort of idea but each tackled it differently..

I liked the idea of putting it into a sort of diary form.. It works quite well.. I found myself

reading it back and forth several times, reading over the last paragraph again prior to

moving on, I pride myself on being able to anticipate the writers intentions, and while

towards the end I had a good idea of the out come I was intrigued with, "So that's why

you had me spying on Dad. I thought you were testing my loyalty. Gees Captain, you

had me thinking he was a traitor." Now that really got my attention... :)

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The Prime Directive: A Bedtime Story

The Secret of Where the Ferengi Really Got the 'Rules of Acquisition'

by Jackford B. Kolk

Reviewed by Captain T'Pen

This rounds submissions, as has been stated by the other judges, were very very good. I applaud Mr. Kolk for his entry.

Parent/child story telling is very difficult. Especially when trying to express the gestures and features of children. The best writting is one where the description of the child, sitting with rapt attention, overshadows all else.

Mr. Kolks piece is very well written, but change in present to past tenses, then springboarded back, made me stumble in reading.

The ideas were strong and well thought out. Good luck in the next challenge.


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One Final Secret

By Jonathan Bockhorst (AKA: Robert Falcon)

Reviewed by Captain T'Pen

What a story...

What a story...

I really felt like I was sitting in the pub as the story unfolded. Breathing in the stale smoking air, smooth wood of the warn bar, smelling the foamy beer drawn from a tap. Gosh, I could use a cold one right now.

The descriptions are tremendous. The story riviting.




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The end of the line, A glimpse into the life of a double agent

LT(jg) Tracey Townson

A very good piece of writing here. It truely tells the other end of the spy business that the Bond films, and many others in the 'Spy' genre seem to forget. Once exposed, the spy, even the double agent, faces a rather ignoble ending at the end of a rope or a fire arm.

I like the way that you brought in the innocent angle of the children in the story. It goes a long way towards giving your primary character a personal touch. The only critique that I have of the story was that it ended too quickly. A bit more of what happened after her arrest and prior to the 'tragic accident' would have been good to read, and would have gone a long way towards making me want to continue on with the story in a longer format.

All in all a great effort!

Lt Colonel Francis deMarc



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A Daughter, An Officer, and A Friend

by Lt. Delinda Sharee

Powerful piece of writing here. The format you chose was not one that many would pick for this type of challenge, but you did a good job of using the medium to put a glimpse into the your main subject. It is easy to forget that Starfleet Officers, any officer in any service, has a family who will wonder where or how they are serving, what are they doing, and in this case, how did they die.

When I read fiction, I love how it takes you away and immerses you. Your story did that and more, it made me say "Give me more... show a flash back... show a memory clip..." One of those types of things that is done in a lot of Dramas. Guess you can't hear a reader's urging any more than a TV Writer can, but that, in and of itself, is how I felt. You had me hooked by the end of your second paragraph. I can't wait to read more of your work in future writing challenges!

(How did the Lieutenant die, really? :smilie2: )

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