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[Round 1] A Sister's Betrayal to a Brother


Seph 647
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NOTE: English is a second language to me.

((Near San Francisco State University, Earth))

:: After leaving Nena’s office, Emilio and Nena found a secluded area. ::

AGUINALDO: What was that all about? :: Emilio was very concern. :: Who was that man, Eric Reinhard?

NENA: Is in it obvious? He came to my office unannounced. :: Facing away from Emilio. :: He asked me to do some research. :: She turned to face his brother. ::

AGUINALDO: :: Emilio didn’t buy it. :: When did you start take research to someone, especially, to someone like him?

NENA: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? :: She was offended, a little. ::

AGUINALDO: You know darn well what I mean. :: He shaking his head. :: Oh my God! :: He stepped back. :: You are one of them, aren’t you? Are you?

NENA: You won’t even understand if I tell you.

AGUINALDO: How could you? :: He breathed deeply. :: They are a cult. Kidnappers, murderers, and ...

NENA: Is that what you think of me now?

AGUINALDO: Is that what you are now?

NENA: The Brotherhood gave me things that I can’t even attempt to get. They gave me unlimited supplies for me and my job.

:: A man in the shadow was approaching. Emilio tried to hide. ::

GRIMSHAWE: What part of go, you two, don’t understand?

AGUINALDO: She is one of them.

:: Grimshawe raised the hand phaser towards Nena. ::

AGUINALDO: Don’t! :: Putting his hand to Grimshawe’s hand. :: She is still my sister.

GRIMSHAWE: Fine. But, I’m taking this. :: Grabbed the PADDs from Nena. ::

NENA: You are fool, Robert. :: She picked up a tiny device from his coat pocket and pressed it. :: Goodbye, brother.

:: Nena’s body dematerialized. Emilio was hurt and felt betrayed. ::

GRIMSHAWE: She probably went to their headquarters.

AGUINALDO: What now?

GRIMSHAWE: You need to contact your command. Give this to Commander Turner. It’s location of Scarlet Brotherhood’s hideout on Sol system and their ship’s systems. :: He was feeling sorry for Emilio. :: I’m sorry about your sister.

AGUINALDO: I didn’t know. :: He was on tears. :: If I knew this wouldn’t have happened.

GRIMSHAWE: It is inevitable. :: He placed his hand on Emilio’s shoulder. :: She chose that path. :: Smiled. :: Do you remember the passwords I told you?

AGUINALDO: Yes. “Nathaniel Hawthorne” and “Grim Doctor”.

GRIMSHAWE: You going to need it to access to view this. :: He handed another PADD to Emilio. :: In the meantime, you have to go now. :: Emilio nodded and Grimshawe walked away. ::

::Emilio felt an itch just above his ear and scratched it. ::

AGUINALDO: < I need to find a place to trash for tonight. >

:: Emilio found a small Inn in Embarcadero district. He asked for a specific room with a secured computer terminal. His first priority was to contact his command and then to join them. Before sending the information on the PADD to his command, Emilio checked it to authenticate. After a few minutes, he was satisfied. He turned-on the computer to contact USS PEREGRINE. ::

Ensign Emilio Aguinaldo

Science Officer

USS CHALLENGER

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Overall a good post. The dialogue is mostly realistic and its clear about what is happening. The biggest problem is that this post is weak on description. I like that there is more description than in some of the SIMs submitted so far, but there is so much more you can do with it. What is there comes off as a bit choppy. Essentially this is a great script, but when I look for a Top SIM, I look for something that is so descriptive that I can see/hear/smell/etc. what is going on (I look for it to create a movie in my head). I did like that there is some description (good job) and action. Overall a fairly good post.

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