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[2007: MAR-APR] What Lies?


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It was a white lie

Russ thought about this and lit his cigar. He felt like a relic around all these new and high tech gadgets in the small shuttle's engine room. The warp reactor made a small glow that gave the room a weird luminescent blue. It also matched his mood.

The donkey had it coming. I am not sorry about that. I am sorry for letting her go. Those thoughts pierced Russell’s head. He was feeling sorry for himself for the second time in his life. He rubbed the back of his head. He inhaled letting the smoke fill his lungs. He was thinking logically about something illogical.

"The worst effing part of all this was, I could have called her anytime during my stint in the Klink. Anytime at all! Why didn't I? Why couldn't I?" He spoke this out loud as he stared at the warp core. He shook his head as the computer bleeped out something. It snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Please restate request." The computer spoke in a pleasant sounding computer voice. Pleasant as a computer could get. But its voice was un-distinguishingly female. It made Russ sigh. The computer queried him to restate the request.

"Never mind cancel request. ETA to Star base 72?" He asked this with almost apprehension. He did not like the idea of going there. He was not enjoying the thought of serving on a ship without a friend, without anybody he knew. That concept scared the hell out of him.

"67 hours, 33 minutes and 18 seconds." The computer said. Russ could have sworn he heard a smarmy tone in its voice. But it didn’t matter. His own paranoia and guilt were eating at him. He had to go through the emotions of writing a letter to her. Or maybe tell the truth and confront his actions.

This was something that always bugged him, He hated admitting that he was wrong, Or even confronting his failures. Because it forced him to look at the mess he had made of his life. It was something he truly, truly hated doing.

"Computer begin recording the following message" He took another drag from the cigar of his. He let out a sigh and took a belt from a small flask he kept on him. He was nervous. It was not every day he tried to tell the truth. It wasn’t every day he could.

The computer beeped. Russ began to record his message, It sounded odd as he began to record it. Though he hoped it was the thought that counted more then the message itself. It read:


Look I am going to be the first to admit, You saw beyond the proverbial and habitual screw up that was and still is here. You were there for me and I was never there for you. Let you down, Left you without an answer.

I told you I hit Sheridan. That much is true. That much is for certain, I didn’t like seeing you mistreated and I still don’t. I could have called you any time, I almost did twice. Why didn’t I?

If I had to give you an answer, It would be because I don’t like you seeing me at my worst. Which is the case? But it’s not that, I dont feel like I deserve you or did deserve you. Re-training brought back every passion I ever had for you, and that’s a bad thing.

See everybody expects me to be this horrific screw up or troublemaker. So I do my dance, play my part. But like Claudius, I gotta do it just enough to survive. I like to think I am deeper then the shallowness I cling to.

I am glad you gave up on me though, Makes slinking under the rocks a whole hell of allot easier. But don't forget I love you. Always have Always will.


The computer said, "Message ready to Send to Lt.Cmdr. Turner." Those words felt like a nervous breakdown ready to bowl him over. Russ took another belt from his flask of Whiskey. He let out a drawn out sigh. There was only one thing worse then sending the letter, And he was about to do it.

He spoke three words, Three words that would sum up another feeling he had. The feeling that she never could know, That she never should know. It was going to have to be a lie he could live with. Those three words summed up everything that he was feeling. He wanted to go away. He wanted the whole situation to go away.

"Computer, delete message. Do not send." That was how he ended his Cadet retraining. The comforting black of space carried him onward to his new assignment.

Edited by Heston
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