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[2006: JAN-FEB] Fear


Toni
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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks

the only way for me to edit the post was to delete it and repost. This is the finished version.

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"Fear"

- by Nemitor Atimen

Fear causes change, sometimes it’s for the better. Other times, it’s for the worse. Fear caused me to build my machine. My ultimate stasis device, capable of transferring the entire consciousness of a being into a computer. It was designed to be perfect. But then of course, things don't always work as planned. The machine didn't, and it changed my life forever. This is my story of fear... fear of man, fear of society, fear of the universe.

I was in my chair, trying to sleep, curled up like a dog. I couldn't remember the last time I slept in my bed, it must have been months. The calculations had been running for what seemed to be months. It might have even been that long... day after day waiting for the calculations. The calculations that would make my perfect journey through this time period... through this time of certain death. The Dominion War... that what some called it. I called it death to anyone who left a strong hold, and even they were threatened. I for one, live underground, on some godforsaken moon, all alone, safe from any kind of attack, even orbital. No one even knew I was there, other than a couple Federation officials, the ones who gave me the money, and I assumed they were dead by then.

I heard a beep. It was a subtle noise, but loud enough to pull me out of my inner thoughts. As I looked to the console, I saw large blinking text; “Calculations Completed” and rushed over. The last step of the preparations for the journey was done. These calculations made sure that my consciousness would be successfully transferred to the computer, and put into a sort of standby. Therefore, I would step in; feel a jolt of electricity, and wake up to the same jolt, a millisecond later. Other than the small fact that it would only feel like a millisecond. In reality, it would be 350 years. This was the day I had been waiting for since it dawned on me that I would have a much higher chance of survival, in a better world, if I slept through the war. Naturally, I chose 350 years for a good reason. It’s not too short, so when I awake the world is still in ruin, but far enough in the future so that I wake to a perfect society. You see, the one thing I feared almost as much as death is being with myself, all alone, without anyone, or anything, for an extended period of time. But at that time, I believed that it was worth the risk.

Quickly, I transferred the calculations to the machine. It took a minute to configure itself to the calculations, but luckily, I had already configured the machine to my brain configuration. I slowly waked into the stasis tube, and strapped myself in. I sat there, and thought... is this really worth it? I had thought so in the past, and had spent my entire life working on it. It was too late to turn back now.

“Activate stasis sequence.” the first words I had spoken aloud in a long time, and the computer immediately began to work. A helmet-like device lowered on my head, and tightened. I heard noises... noises that made me begin to panic. Suddenly, out of no where, a powerful jolt of electricity flowed through the helmet. I could feel my consciousness being pulled out of my brain, I first lost all motor coordination, and then I couldn't feel, or hear. Finally, my sight was pulled out by force. Darkness was all I knew after that moment, but something was wrong...

I still had internal dialog. I was actively thinking, and withholding information. This was not good – it was the one thing that I wanted not to happen, and I panicked, trying to calm myself by saying “relax, its just about to transfer over.” but nothing happened. I sat waiting for minutes, until I really panicked. I screamed internally, trying my hardest to break out of the mechanical bonds holding me in. The bonds I made myself... the bonds I made to hold the massive potential of a brain working at full capacity in. This was going to be a long wait.

The wait almost drove me to insanity. It actually probably did at some points. At first, I thought that nothing went wrong, and this stage was just taking longer than expected. But as the hours turned to days, I realized that this was not normal. Day in and day out, I tried to calculate what went wrong and how I can fix it from within the system itself. But every calculation, every attempt, ended with the same answer: the system was perfect. Perfect in the way that it withheld the consciousness, running off a sort of 'emulator'. It seemed like twice as long as a normal day, probably because in the system, the consciousness doesn't have to sleep. It was a living hell. A hell where you have no food, no drink, no sleep, no social interactions, no sense at all.

I myself, disliked society, and began to realize why. Through time, I learned to forgive myself for that tragic transporter accident which killed my entire family and friends. After that moment, I thought that the world was too dangerous, and must do everything in my power to stay alive. That meant becoming a hermit, and living underground, the only support coming from the government, thinking that I was working on a weapon. The fear grew, after the accident, like a disease. I tried medication after medication, and finally reverted to psychology, telepathy, mind melds, hypnosis, etc. Since, none of the 'normal' solutions worked. My fear grew and grew, and now I found myself trapped in the machine designed to remove all fear from my life.

After many years, I grew to forgive myself more and more, the fear of man, society, and death lessened to the point where it was non existent. The machine was my savior, removing all fear as it was supposed to. It worked, but not in the way I wanted. I wanted to be taken from the world, brought into the world of perfection, the future. After centuries of darkness, only one fear remained. The fear of being trapped. Being trapped in the machine for all of eternity, with no one, nothing. During the stay in the machine, I realized how society worked, how to adapt, and how to live with others again. I grew an urge to return to the reality... to return home.

Three options remained for me – these three options were thought up over years of calculation and thought. Option 1) The machine will go on until it is found, and I am saved. Option 2) The machine will go on forever. Option 3) It will put me back in my body 350 years after entry.

Naturally, options 1 and 2 were not on the top of my list. The only problem was that option 3 was the most unlikely. Time passed slowly at sometimes and at others fast. I assumed that it was another software glitch, especially when I would feel time speed up, and then suddenly slow. I sat... thought... and prayed at times.

Prayer was something I never did after the accident. Even when I thought that my facility was going to be found I didn't pray. Even when I thought that the God himself had forsaken me, after the accident, I didn't pray. I blamed myself entirely for their deaths, but wondered why He hadn't done anything about it. After a couple decades it became more and more common for me to pray. I wondered if it was my soul that was transferred into the computer, or if it remained behind. I wondered if God would hear me, or I was just giving myself false hope...

I was thinking about false hope, and how it had been used throughout history, when I felt a sharp jolt. My heart leaped when I felt this, for good reason! I hadn't felt anything for centuries, and this was amazing. Hope surged, and I began to see the room.... I was going home.

Edited by Nemitor
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