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Tony, aka VAiru

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Everything posted by Tony, aka VAiru

  1. Remember that February is the time to enter our special Writing Improvement Month Challenge! Rules and guidelines are posted below, but be sure to follow the link in order to enter! The general 118 Challenge has had its deadline pushed back to March in order to make room for this special Challenge. -- Welcome to UFOP: StarBase 118′s first open Writing Challenge! We encourage you to enter this month-long contest with your story, and join a competition that has existed within our group for almost ten years. The topic for this challenge is “Someone to Watch Over Me.” Details & Rules The challenge is accepting submissions from Friday, February 1st to Saturday, February 23rd. Results will be announced by February 28th. Please observe the following rules for your submission: Your work must SciFi-focused, but does not have to be Star Trek themed.Your work must be completely original.You must be the work’s sole author.The story cannot exceed 3000 words. (You can use this tool to check the length of your submission.) Prize The winner will receive this awesome t-shirt in their size! If you don’t want that, there are tons of other prizes available, up to $25 value, not including shipping. Prizes only available to residents of the United States. If you’re not a resident of the United States, but you win the contest, will receive a cash prize of $25 US via PayPal. Submit Your Entry To submit your entry, click here to open the submission form. For any questions you might have, please email Capt. Nicholotti and Capt. Aron Kells at wim2013-challenge@starbase118.net. Good luck!
  2. Do you have questions regarding the Writing Challenges, or would you like to discuss something? This is the place to do so!
  3. Note that this contest's deadline has been extended through March 22nd to incorporate the Writing Improvement Month's special challenge! Welcome, my friends, to the inaugural Writing Challenge of 2013! To start off, we're returning with a two-month contest with a theme chosen by the December Challenge's winner. As our characters move into 2390 -- their last decade before 2400 -- Jalana Laxyn would like you to consider what the next ten years hold. In her words, "'Where do you see the universe in 10 years,' be it in society, technologically, medically, personally.." What do you think might happen? UFOP:118's blockbusters of the past few years have taken a stab at that question with, for example, this year's Klingon crisis and the admission of Bajor to the Federation, but perhaps your take will be smaller than that. What can you do with ten years of growth and the character of your choice? The deadline for this Challenge is Friday, March 22nd! You have just under seven weeks to submit your stories from the start date (Tuesday, January 8th). As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, this Challenge is open. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  4. "But what do you believe in?" by Arden Cain reviewed by Toni Turner The situation that Arden Cain presented, was an interesting exercise in survival where his crew mates were questioning what would keep hope of rescue alive. I liked the fact that he didn't judge the others for their beliefs, and the fact that even though he was as desperate as they were, he found inspiration within himself, simply believing that he had the courage to use his knowledge, and sheer determination to solve the problem that faced them. As he said, “It gave him direction for further attempts even if his spirits were dangerously low.” This was a well-written story, easy to read, understandable, and with a good flow, in spite of a few words used incorrectly (e.g. “far to nosy, far to insensitive” "to" should have been “too”). However, none of those errors took away from the story to any major degree. Excellent work, Arden. I really enjoyed this piece. ----- "Sentimental Value" by Brayden Jorey reviewed by Velana Betazoid culture and religion has always fascinated me, so I was excited to see it brought to life, especially in such a romantic context. I was so enamored with Jorey and Koroth, two men from radically different worlds who have fallen in love, despite all the odds. In fact, I wanted to see more of them together. Unfortunately, while the story started off with a great potential for conflict, it wound up just walking us through a Betazoid ceremony in a touch too much detail. And although this certainly lived up to the month's prompt, I feel like a story-telling opportunity was lost. I got excited when Jorey spoke to his grandmother about the Klingon ritual he would have to go through, to prove himself worthy to be with Koroth...so I found myself disappointed when all we saw was Jorey going through a similar Betazoid ceremony. What would have been far more intriguing would have been to see Koroth going through it, or if we'd gotten to see Jorey during the Klingon ritual, something that was mentioned at the end, but only in passing. I feel like there was no real conflict, which is a shame because the set-up was there in the beginning of the story. It just didn't follow through. ----- "The Mightiest Warrior of Them All" by Jalana Laxyn reviewed by Aron Kells One of Trek's most cherished tropes -- indeed, perhaps the ur-trope for which it's known -- is that of the outsider looking in. Spock, Data, Odo -- and now the author's G'Tok. The idea of exploring the Santa Claus "belief" is an intriguing take upon the theme, and doing so through the unfamiliar eyes of a Klingon/human boy may have been the perfect way to do so. Further, the story of Santa as told by G'Tok's father harkens back to the best Klingon episodes of DS9 and TNG, in which the audience learns that Klingons are not simply one-dimensional space vikings, and that they have -- if not a measure of humanity (they're aliens, after all) then at least one of vulnerability; and I'd argue that there's little more vulnerable than a Klingon father telling his half-human son that on December 24th, even Kahless can't trump Santa. The difficult task for a story like this is to have the outsider other earn his otherness. It's not really fair to compare the character of G'Tok to Spock or Data in that context; those characters had years upon years in which to build, and this character has only a single story. However, by the end of the piece, G'Tok doesn't quite earn what the author's set him up to receive -- the pride of otherness, as made tangible by the blade under his pillow; G'Tok is an other simply to be an other, and he doesn't advance either his character or the Klingon culture in the way I expected. Or, in other words, he acts exactly like a Klingon ought to act and, despite the promise of the story, he didn't really challenge my perceptions. Nevertheless, this was a successful story that made much more of the Challenge and the premise than, say, Molagh explaining Sto'vo'kor might have. An interesting premise and an intriguing commentary; thank you for the read!
  5. And so we've come to the end of our Writing Challenges for 2012! I'm pleased to bring you the results of our last Challenge of the year: The winner of the Challenge for December is Jalana Laxyn, with her story "The mightiest warrior of them all." Our runner-up -- who's new to the group! -- is Brayden Jorey, with his "Sentimental Value." Thank you to everyone who participated for continuing to submit your best work! We'll see you in 2013 with a new Challenge. Be ready! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- Fleet Captain Toni Turner, Lieutenant Commander Velana, and Captain Diego Herrera.
  6. This Challenge is now closed! The judges hope to have reviews and ratings for you by the first of the new year!
  7. Remember, this Challenge closes on December 26th -- which means you have about a week and a half to get your entry in!
  8. "Guts and Glory!" by Tallis Rhul reviewed by Aron Kells Even from the title, the reader possesses an idea regarding the nature of this piece; that assumption is immediately realized via the first scene, and continues throughout the piece. The story is also formally advanced as it reserves its bold, italics, and normal sections for discrete sections that, with each of their first instances, inform the reader who they're to be approached. The narrative of the team continues via each time period and character, and combines to make a cohesive piece.What I wanted from this piece was to be pushed further. The trope of the sports team is so canvassed that it no longer carries much weight for character, story, or reader whether the team loses or wins, and while this story plays with that idea, the note upon which it ends doesn't allow it to say anything unique about its subject, and its characters are dimensionally reduced as a result. There are also some small choices -- such as calling the sport "soccer" when "football" would have made more sense in this context -- that I found distracting.The idea of intertwining historical narratives and the form of this piece are ultimately very satisfying; but I would challenge the writer to develop the content beyond that idea into something that challenges, rather than accepts, the ideas of a well-known trope like the sports story. -- "Empty skies over Tokyo" by Kalianna Nicholotti reviewed by Arden Cain This was a very interesting approach on the challenge topic. The story is of how a single object could become so instrumental in shaping characters of today. The story is very well written and each of the sections within it are carefully crafted. I would have liked to see more length in some of the smaller sections of the story but given the word limit the story couldn't have been better. I was a little confused to the reason why the tense was changed in that last section as it is not apparent if the character is talking to anyone in particular or if it is more of a journal entry etc. This is certainly a interesting story and well worth the read. I look forward to the chance to read more of this character in future challenges. -- "The Family Business" by Ben Livingstonereviewed by Aron Kells This was a solid take on the theme; it gave insight into both Ben and Arthur, and did so in a form that was very aware of its word count (this could've gone into our flash fiction Challenge!). Its brevity is one of its strongest aspects, and something I would challenge all future participants to match: Perhaps not in the similar shortness of their entries, but in those entries' spareness. However, the story wants in terms of risk-taking. Put simply, it's too safe -- a narrative of father and son spliced together in the normal way. It's a solid sim, albeit in a more traditionally narrative form, but it doesn't really push the boundaries of what it's trying to do. Nevertheless, it works strongly within those boundaries and advances an important character story. Well done!
  9. Happy December, folks! I'm pleased to bring you the results of our November contest. Sorry for the delay in posting. Our joint winners for November are Kalianna Nicholotti, with her "Empty skies over Tokyo," and Tallis Rhul, with his "Guts and Glory!" Runner-up goes to Ben Livingston, with "The Family Business." Congratulations! Reviews will be up in a moment, but be sure you check out the December Challenge, up now!
  10. Congratulations, Marissa! Wonderful job and well deserved! I hope to have our reviews and winners out in the next 24 hours or so. Thanks for sticking with us, everyone!
  11. Welcome, my friends, to the last Writing Challenge of 2012. It's been quite a ride this year: The Challenges saw a facilitator change, the addition of several judges to the rotating pool, our first one-month contests, our first collaborative contests with Ongoing Worlds (in July and in November), and our first alternate form contest (in August, with flash fiction, poetry, and free-form options). I hope to be able to bring you even more in 2013, but for now, let's look at closing out this year. The December Challenge will again be a monthlong Challenge, and in it, I ask you to consider the place of belief systems in Star Trek's future. Contemporarily, December is a month of holy days for many religions, but I'd like you to consider the question of religion and spirituality in the future context. Sure, we've seen the Bajorans and their Prophets, the Klingons' Sto-Vo-Kor, and the Vortas' belief in the Founders' godhood, but what else is out there? For example, when I designed my character (Aron Kells), I created for him a spiritual system based upon a quasi-concept deity called "the Architect." This was in direct response to an astrophysicist I worked with at the time; she was brilliant and dynamic, but she also followed strictly one of the strongest faith doctrines I've ever encountered. I thought the combination was intriguing, and thus my character was born. But what of yours? Is there a spiritual side to any of the characters for which you write? Or perhaps you could take a look into the unexplored spiritualities of the Romulans -- or the Ferengi -- or the Borg? Whatever you choose, be sure to craft a compelling story for the final contest of 2012! The deadline for this Challenge is December 26th (Boxing Day)! That gives you 26 shopping days to come up with something good, so begin thinking now. As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Saturday, December 1st, this Challenge is open. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  12. The November Challenge is now closed! The judges will deliberate over the next week, and we'll have a winner to announce by next weekend. In the mean time, take a look at the December Challenge!
  13. Welcome, my friends, to this special Writing Challenge for the month of November! Please peruse this post with proper prudence, as it contains the guidelines, rules, and other important bits regarding entering your submission, which are a little different than usual for this unique Challenge. For this month only, we'll be drawing our inspiration from Ongoing Worlds's Way Back When week competition. This Challenge will focus upon character ancestry -- where a particular character or anyone/anything related to him/her has come from. You do not have to write about your primary character! To participate in the Challenge, please create a new thread. From the "Topic Prefix" selection list, choose "Nov/Dec" -- don't forget to do this, because without it your story won't be considered for this round! You may denote your story as a "Work in Progress," but please do so at the beginning of the story (not in the thread topic), and remember to finish it before the deadline, as any story noted as a work in progress will not be considered. The deadline for this challenge is November 30th! That means you have just under three weeks to get your entries in, so begin thinking now! All entries in this Challenge will be judged by our panel in the usual way, but entries will also have the option of entry into Ongoing Worlds's contest. If you'd like to also enter there, please check the link above between November 25th and December 1st, as they should have links to their contest submissions. I encourage you to enter both! Last time we participated in a joint contest, our winner (Alleran Tan) came in second in their contest. As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Saturday, November 3rd, this Challenge is open! The very last day to enter is Monday, November 30th, so get in your entry before then! For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  14. "Dakota" by Jorus Cogud reviewed by Kali Nicholotti The first time I read this, I got the feeling of a tragic love story where one half of a partnership is torn from the other because of an injury or illness that the other could not control. I tried to imagine what would have led the officers in question to leave a person behind on the bridge and I came to the conclusion that something must have fallen on her, preventing them from getting her out. It was sad, but nothing groundbreaking, as it had been ‘done before’ so to speak, and while I enjoyed the story, I didn’t walk away from it with a profound emotional reaction. Then, as I prepared to write this review, I went back and read it a second time. This time I picked up a number of things that I hadn’t picked up the first time, including the name of the ship and his last words to her. Suddenly, the emotional reaction was there and I realized just what you had written here. I couldn’t help but go back and read it a third time, in light of the realization that I had made. It was this third time that I really was able to connect with the story and the way that you used words to allude to (and hide) what was really going on. In the end, I really did enjoy this story. It does, however, seem a bit rushed and in need of another round of proofreading. There were a few typos that caused me to go back and re-read a portion of it, breaking the overall flow, so keep that in mind for next time! Overall, it was a very good story with a great premise and I look forward to seeing more from you next time! ------ "Thank You for Being a Friend" by Richard Matthews reviewed by Karynn Brice This story was a good entry. Like some of the others, it isn't an "expected" take on the theme and I appreciated that. It kept me engaged, especially since, like the friends in the story, I was curious to know more - more about the woman, more about the marriage, more about why it had ended. I felt special to be privy to at least some of the information that he didn't divulge. The use of the first person was an interesting way of writing the story. On the one hand, it put front and center in the action, and in a way made the actions of the others seem that much more real, and I think it was designed to make me identify with the protagonist of the story. On the other, however (and this is really a more personal opinion), I have difficulty identifying with the protagonist or getting into a story written in first person like this, because I end up "fighting" the author by thinking "well I wouldn't say that..." or "that didn't happen to me..." (not to mention, I do have difficulty identifying in the first person with a male protagonist). I know some people love reading stories in first person, though, so I wouldn't say this is a definite negative (or something you should necessarily change) - just something that didn't click well with me. My one real complaint with this story focuses on this rule from the Writing Challenge: "Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe...". Other than the couple of asides that the three in the story were Starfleet cadets, I didn't really feel like there was anything in the story that placed it in the Trek universe over the bar in How I Met Your Mother or the one from Cheers. In fact, by the end of my first reading of it, I had basically forgotten about those few references at all. I would have liked to see something in it that was more distinctly Star Trek, whether it was a character or a situation. All that being said, though, I really liked the story. Being in the medical field in real life, and having had to deal with getting into residency (and all the headaches that it brings) while watching friends try to juggle both in the pair making the match work made it that much more personal to me. I appreciated the difficulty that the couple faced and found it sad that they hadn't been able to make it work out after all. Finally, I loved that in the end, it was a story about friendship. Although romance played an important role, it was friendship that was left standing. I appreciated that the main character realized that too, that he had moved on. You did a wonderful job at exploring this. Thank you for your entry. ------ "Body to Body, Heart to Heart" by Verana reviewed by Aron Kells If you've read anything of the character development of the various Trek series, you'll know of the Spock mystique. The writers sought to say something about the state of humanity, and instead of offering judgments, they endeavored to observe via characters like Data, Odo, Worf, Jadzia Dax, Voyager's Doctor, and others. While the characters ultimately dictated their own successes regarding observation -- DS9 viewers won't forget Odo's crusty but almost yearning assessments of "humanoids" -- they each brought something new to the Spock mystique, as the author does in this tale of a Deltan in Paris. The very idea is wrought with potential complications, but the author adroitly handles most of these; the decision to not skirt but rather to address the cliché of Paris was a very savvy one. More than that, as did Spock for Vulcans, Dax for Trills, Worf for multidimensional Klingon characters, etc etc, Verana establishes here a backstory and a mythos for Deltans, drawing on canon and non-canon sources to create a rich heritage. Though the author admits before the story begins that this is part of Verana's backstory, that nature of the piece is the one I take the most issue with: The story, as a whole, does not feel like a story itself but rather like a footnote. It is secondary, as volunteered, to Verana's larger arc; but how could the author have made it primary? What was important about this event in Verana's history that it seemed most crucial to cover? Almost certainly there is more to this story, and I urge the author to continue uncovering it, perhaps in further Challenge entries. ------ "Idle Hands" by Sidney Pierce reviewed by Toni Turner Sidney Pierce wove an interesting tale dealing with the death of a friend and the influence of alcohol that made her character vulnerable to strong emotions. The combination seemed to make her do things she may, or may, not normally do. She teetered between the Counselor in her, and a woman needing to be consoled in the arms of a friend, who blamed himself for the death, and obviously needed consolation too. I enjoyed reading this piece as it was well-written, although I'm not a big fan of forum censored words, and words that could be better said (e.g. god-[...]ed). Good Job, Sidney. Well done! ------ "Adequate" by Alleran Tan reviewed by Velana I feel like this story absolutely nailed the point of the challenge and proved that it's possible to weave believable romance into Star Trek, even in a situation as devastating and gory as a massive battle with the Gorn. I immediately felt something for both Servan and Evans even without knowing their backstory. The writing was strong enough to make us root for this star-crossed couple and to hope they would make it through together, without any unnecessary, info-dumped history. And I can't say enough about the poetry of the language used, in particular phrases like "the growing pool of green blood seeping into the hungry sand." So wonderfully evocative. This was a romance worthy of an entire novel. ------ "J(o)ust for the Princess" by Vitor Silviera reviewed by Velana There are endless romantic possibilites when you bring in the idea of Holodeck dates, but that being said, I feel like this story was fairly off the mark in terms of romance, and I don't just say that because it didn't work out between Vitor and Violet. Not all love stories have to end with marriage and babies and happily ever afters, but there are certain things that the audience expects to see in a romance, such as mutual admiration and respect. I'm sorry to say that the latter in particular was missing here, to a degree that I wound up disappointed in the main character. It's okay for him to be upset that Violet didn't appreciate the date he set up...it's not so okay for him to deal with that upset by reducing her to nothing more than her cleavage. Also, there were many grammatical errors in the story, problems with tense, sentence fragements, etc. These are things that could have easily been fixed by having a beta reader. ------ "Stone on a nightengale" by Segolene LeMarnix reviewed by Arden Cain Of all emotions, love, could quite possibly be the hardest to express to another individual.This task is only complicated further when the other person doesn't feel same for whatever reason. This is the situation that the main character of this story finds herself in and I was quite pleased at how she processes and describes those emotions to the reader. I would have liked to see more on this, more detail and perhaps a longer story but that is neither here nor there. The the main flaw with this story is that I feel that it didn't quite hit the challenge's topic considering that the main character is essentially breaking up with her former lover. Even with the slip up at the end, there is nothing romantic about that particular task. Although brief a lot of detail was conveyed giving the reader a glimpse into the character's head or more pointedly, her heart and that was wonderful to see. I look forward to seeing more on this character in the future. ------ "The Perfect Moment" by Tallis Rhul (RUNNER-UP) reviewed by Karynn Brice I really liked this story. I liked that you took a less traditional take on the theme, and that it didn't have a happy ending. You did a good job of introducing us to Diego and giving us a sense of his character. Even in the constraints that the Writing Challenge format imposes, he became real, with strengths and foibles, and by the end I could really feel for him. I think my favorite part about this story was experiencing Diego's growing self-realization. It was gratifying to watch him grow from a more self-important "understanding" that seemed to be superficially reciprocating the sacrifices that his beloved had made for him to his final life lesson. If only more of us could learn similar lessons before it was to late. Finally, I really liked the loose parallel between the first and last paragraphs. It tied the story up nicely, but in a way that reminded us that life goes on, even when something so momentous happens that we feel like it shouldn't. I apologize that this doesn't have any constructive criticism in it - I really couldn't find anything in your story that I would change, and it was honestly one of my favorites. Nice work, Tallis Rhul. ------ "One Last Dance" by Ben Livingston (RUNNER-UP) reviewed by Aron Kells As Challenge participation has risen, so have my expectations. Satisfactory stories are not enough to compete against recent winners that concerned themselves with neonatal deliveries and ex-Borg philosopher-Ferengis. "One Last Dance" sets itself apart via its use of pure whimsy: the dance! the descriptions! the unexpected Latin! This entry insists that you read it, and it's helped along by its author's strong sense of dialogue, as well as the (understated) tension between the two characters. To add to my previous assertion: This entry insists that you read it completely, as a surface reading will not reveal the complexities of the relationship between the two characters. In fact, that would be my sole complaint: This story so deftly handles its undercurrents that it neglects its surface and left me wondering why I was supposed to have cared after a first reading. Lucky readers will stick with the story and reap the benefits of further readings; but the work of the story should be evident during every reading. Nevertheless, "One Last Dance" managed to stand out from its competition during a Challenge in which its competitors were many. Well done! ------ "Love is a Battlefield" by Sinda Essen (WINNER) reviewed by Kali Nicholotti What I like about this story is that it takes the theme and turns it around so that the main story isn’t about romance so much as a rivalry between two students. I noticed that many writers chose to write from the perspective of an Academy Cadet, but again, this story was slightly different in its approach which made it stand out. The story begins smoothly enough and we, as readers, quickly get the sense of who to like, and who to not like. Immediately we take sides as the contest rules are set forth and it’s not hard to hope that the underdog wins. Yet, as things progress, you provide even more hurdles for this character, ultimately leading to an end that was far from what I predicted was coming. You managed to pack a lot into a few short paragraphs, and while I would have liked to have seen more on his dates and the events that led to their problematic ends, you did a great job of conveying those events without going over the word limits for the writing challenge. The ending is similar; it seems sudden and like it could have used more buildup, but you managed to pull it off in a way that gives the readers what they need without great expansion. Ultimately, the story was enjoyable and fit the theme well even if it wasn’t quite what one might expect right off the bat when reading the theme. Great job on all fronts and I look forward to seeing future submissions!
  15. Welcome to November, everyone, and with its coming I'm pleased to bring you the results of our only two-month contest this season! The winner of the Challenge for September and October is Sinda Essen, with his story "Love is a Battlefield." We have two runners-up this month (I need scarcely say that judging was extremely difficult!): Tallis Rhul, with his story "The Perfect Moment," and Ben Livingston, with his story "One Last Dance." I would like to underscore that we had a large number of entrants and six contest judges, and it was still very difficult to come to a consensus. Thank you to everyone who participated for continuing to submit your best work! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- Fleet Captain Toni Turner, Captain Kali Nicholotti, Commander Karynn Brice, Lieutenant Commander Velana, and Lieutenant Commander Arden Cain.
  16. You just squeaked in, Chris! And now, I must announce that this Challenge is officially closed. The judges have convened, and we hope to announce a winner by Halloween!
  17. Welcome back, my friends, to another Writing Challenge! This regular Challenge follows our special events in July and August, so if you placed yourself in the mindset of the monthlong affair, be sure to read this extra carefully for a restatement of the regular rules. Kristen, the writer behind Velana and the winner of the August round, has selected this Challenge's topic, "Isn't it Romantic?" How will you interpret the theme? Perhaps you read it literally? Ironically? Humorously? Whatever your take, I look forward to reading your entry! To participate in the challenge, please create a new thread. From the "Topic Prefix" selection list, choose "Sep/Oct" -- don't forget to do this, because without it your story won't be considered for this round! You may denote your story as a "Work in Progress," but please do so at the beginning of the story (not in the thread topic), and remember to finish it before the deadline, as any story noted as a work in progress will not be considered. As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Tuesday, September 4th, this Challenge is open! The very last day to enter is Friday, October 26th, so get in your entry before then! For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  18. "Eileen" by Sakorra Jefferson Reed reviewed by Aron Kells ---------------------------- A fantastic idea, this, and one that was grew from seed to tree in spectacular fashion. The believable dialogue and the careful consideration of detail -- the way Eileen knows the crew by their first names, for example -- really help to build the world of this piece. In my review of S'Acul's piece, I mentioned that that poem needed grounding; even though this story is told from the perspective of a ship, it's absolutely grounded in its own character and its interactions with its human crew, and that's enough to get reader onboard (pun intended). Great descriptions! The usage of verbs that were a joy to read! The story ends in a great place! My only question, at the end of the story, was this: Why now? Why were the moments described in the story the most important in Eileen's "life"? Were they? And if they weren't, what were? But I'll note that these questions come about as a direct result of my vestment in Eileen's character, and that is courtesy of a powerful author. Wonderful job!
  19. "A Moment in the life of a space amoeba" by S'Acul Aveunallliv reviewed by Aron Kells ----------------------------- I very much like to see experimental pieces, and especially after this author's last entry that I judged -- which, while it played with time, was much more a straightforward narrative -- I was pleased to see something quite different this time around. But with that said, I don't think that this piece works -- yet. I would very much like to see the author continue to work on it, as I think there are some beautiful moments, some very humorous moments, and a lot of potential, but those parts don't yet add up to a cohesive whole. The piece's largest difficulty is courtesy of its content; writing from the poetic perspective of a giant space amoeba is no easy feat, and I applaud the challenge. However, the author needs to keep in mind that the readers of the poem will come from very human perspectives, and that it can be very difficult to connect with ideas that are too large or abstract, such as the single line "cold" or the very open third stanza. To rewrite, I would suggest grounding this poem in the readers' shared experiences -- again, definitely a challenge to find "shared experiences" between human readers and giant space amoebas -- but the poem presented to this contest has convinced me that the author is up to exploring. Good work!
  20. "A Moment in the life of a miracle worker" by Jorus Cogud reviewed by Aron Kells ----------------------------- This was one of the few brave entries that dared to break the short story standard, and it's well on its way to becoming a fine piece. I've always liked dialogue in poems, and this poem uses the spoken word to great effect. The stanza collections of tercets (three lines) are consistent throughout, and don't leave me wondering anything about the form of the poem. However, I would note that sometimes the content suffered at the hands of that form: There are many lines that don't do anything to change or enhance the feeling of the poem, and it could definitely benefit from some pruning. The metaphors the poem uses are excellent, but I wanted more of them! As it is, they sort of sneak in at the end when I really wanted them there from the beginning. If had to pose one question to the author, it would be this: What about the form or content of the piece you're trying to present made you write it as a poem? Could it have worked as a short story? If not, why not, and what could you do to enhance its "poem-ness"? But these are questions for possible revision, not of the piece as it's presented here; and I am quite pleased with this poem's entry and that its author entered it into this contest. Well done!
  21. "When Consciousness Isn't Life" by Kalianna Nicholotti reviewed by Karynn Brice --------------------------------- This was a story that grew on me. I have to admit that the first time I read it, I didn't quite catch all the interesting details that became more apparent as I went back to re-read it in preparation for writing my critique. I always like it when a story gives more on its second or even third time through, so if that was your intent, job well done. One of the things I caught and enjoyed the second time through was an interesting bit of irony. At the beginning of the story the EMH "complains" (if that's the right word) that it is only brought out in times of crisis but by the end, when it is used in a more mundane capacity, it seems to object just as strenuously. When I noticed this, I just had to smile as I thought "can't you make up your mind?". I think my biggest complaint is just that I personally had a hard time connecting with the EMH and sympathizing with it. It came across more like a petulant adolescent in my mind than as someone I wanted to "win.". Also, it seemed, to me, to be exploring a concept that has already been done before by Star Trek in the realm of AI (bringing to mind episodes from Voyager about The Doctor and TNG about Data) without bringing anything particularly new to the discussion, and in that respect I didn't find it particularly compelling. On a very minor point, there was at least one sentence that was noticeably missing a few words (a typo I presume). This likely would have been caught in an extra edit. All in all, however, it was a well-written entry with some fun details. Your descriptions are vivid and therefore your story comes to life. Also, I always like when an author is brave enough to take on mundane moments in life as these can be some of the hardest to tell in a way that pulls people in. Overall, this was another good, solid piece of writing by Kali Nicholetti. Bravo!
  22. "The Life in a Moment" by Velana reviewed by Alleran Tan ------------------------------ Okay, this piece had me right from the very beginning. Life in a Moment is a neat, snug little piece that tugs at the heartstrings and really hit the spot. It opens with an interesting question and a hospital scene that was well described and drew out the emotion in the reader. The scene was quite intense -- I had no idea what to expect and the ending came as a pleasant surprise -- and the very last line tied the whole story back to that opening line. I really liked this story and I thought it was masterfully crafted, with little to criticise and a lot to love. I felt it captured the theme of the challenge perfectly and ran with it, giving us this excellent and extremely tight piece. Very well done, Commander!
  23. "Join Starfleet!" by Ben Livingston reviewed by Alleran Tan ------------------------------ Ens. Livingston's piece surprised me, actually, by being written in sim style. While that's certainly permitted, I kind of feel that the writing challenges are a good place to stretch the writing muscles that don't get as much of a workout. We read a lot of sims as active writers -- it's nice to read something else every now and agian. It also surprised me by presenting the recruiter telling a crowd about Starfleet who was, himself, subsequently 'told'. It's an interesting look at a pivotal point in a character's life and I couldn't see where it was going as I was reading it, but in hindsight I suppose the answer was easy. But isn't that the best thing, though? When you make a reader realise something in hindsight that they're like, "Oh, that's so obvious!". I quite enjoyed this piece and I look forward to reading more of Livingston's work, in sim style or not. Good work, Ensign!
  24. "A momentary Resistance" by Ben Walker reviewed by Alleran Tan ------------------------------ When I review pieces I tend to write the review as I read it, and I can usually tell within a few paragraphs if I'm going to like it or not. So, while my initial "draft" of this review was fairly critical, the backspace key got a fair bit of work today. This piece by Ben Walker starts a bit slow and is fairly predictable, but it gets better as it gets along. I want to be clear about this though: it's not bad. It's just competing against quite a number of other pieces of truly exceptional quality, so... I suppose I had to get used to the style, and when I did -- and on subsequent rereading -- it's actually fairly snug and it matches the theme nicely. The story, while starting a little weak, strengthens as it goes and by the end is a nicely well rounded piece. Well done!
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