Chen
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"Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday"
Written by Lieutenant Jaxon Mc Ghee
Reviewed by Commander Tallis Rhul
I've seen stories like this before. An episode in the present, followed by a flashback, or a series of flashbacks into the past. Very few of them have worked, but this certainly does. At first I thought it was due to the brevity of the flashbacks, but the more I read, the more I realised that the reason was tied into the fact that there is nothing unnecessary in this story. Every word serves a purpose, every scene adds to the whole and every moment spent reading takes the audience down the path towards a really emotional climax.
I'm usually critical about submissions (as a judge has to be) and on the lookout for things to praise and areas that I can flag up for constructive criticism. I forgot I was judging this at times. I just got carried away with the story and its instantly identifiable characters. Just enough detail was provided to make this a really immersive experience. Part way through, I remembered that it was supposed to be tied into our theme, and assumed that you must have been using "tomorrow" as the tie-in. That was until I got to the last paragraph, and realised just how clever you were being.
It's rare that an entry into the writing challenge moves me this much, actually. I've seen entries that have tugged on the heart strings before, but this was by far and away the most well crafted. Hats off to you on an exquisite piece of writing.
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"Origins"
Written by Ensign Alucard Vess
Reviewed by Commander Tallis Rhul
This origin story was tied nicely into the theme of "Where No Man Has Gone Before" through the idea of Alucard's trip into the future after emerging from a stasis pod. Care was taken to portray the thoughts and emotions of someone who was experiencing something that goes a long way beyond culture shock. His world had been turned completely upside down, and coupled with his inability to remember his previous life, it was understandable that he was so afraid. Reading about the kindness and compassion of Alfons was certainly touching.
When writing, always be careful during your proof reading to make sure you use the same tense throughout. Narrative portions of text can be presented in either past or present tense, but there were moments where this switched between the two, which can come over as strange.
I now find myself wanting to know more about your character, and how things progressed after he was allowed to stay aboard ship, and I think that's the mark of a successful story. I certainly look forward to reading more of your entries in this competition in the future. I'd also like to ask if I get bonus points for noticing the subtle reference to the 1980s Transformers movie?
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"From the Stars, Knowledge"
Written by Ensign Velana
Reviewed by Captain Toni Turner
This was a lovely well-written manuscript and a timeless story of breaking the bonds of prejudice to find friendship - a tale that has been told through the ages in one way or another, but a beautiful tale none the less. Well done, Velana!
While I liked the well-told story, the things I liked about it most seemed to be detached from the theme, "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Prejudice of some kind, touches us all from time to time, and if we're lucky, we indeed do find viable friendships between races, orientations, sexes, and/or beliefs. Other than the quote from Zefram Cochrane at the beginning, I really couldn't find enough that carried out the theme. Excellent try though, Velana. I look forward to reading more of your entries.
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Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great competition this time around, and it was good to see so many new participants! There were some creative interpretations of this round's theme, and it was great to see such a good batch of entertaining pieces. Well done all!
As usual, here are the judges' reviews, followed by the announcement of the winner! (The judge who reviewed your entry has their name displayed under your own, just so you guys know that I can't claim all the credit for myself!)
In no particular order, here is your feedback - enjoy!
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Hi everyone!
Welcome to the September/October round of the Writing Challenge! Please read this post carefully for new guidelines on entering your submissions! Following in challenge traditions, the September/October round uses a TOS episode title as inspiration for entries.
Joining us on the judging panel for this round is the September/October winner, Lieutenant Saveron, who has decided on the following topic for this round:
"Where No Man Has Gone Before"
You're free to interpret that however you like for your entries - will it be something traditionally space-oriented, or will you come up with something that involves more lateral thinking?
Guidelines: To participate, create a new thread. The subject of the thread must be the title of your story, preceded by the tag [2011: SEP/OCT], which is a requirement for entries that will be used when we archive the entries at the end of the round. If it is a Work In Progress, denote that at the top of the post itself (in the body text, not in the thread title). As with last round it will be the final draft posted in your topic that will be read and taken into consideration. Any unfinished entries marked as Work In Progress will not be considered for judging and will be moved to the "Character Cafe" forum at the end of the contest. Your work must be entirely your own. No co-authoring. You are welcome to create any character you so desire, but they must be from the Star Trek universe. No "canon" characters allowed. (i.e.- No one who has been on a show.)
Length: No more than 3000 words accepted.
Beginning Date: Monday, September 5th
Ending Date: Saturday, October 29th
See Also: the Writing Challenge Website
Challenge: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”
Good luck everyone!
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Well, that's it - the judges have deliberated, cogitated and digested, and I believe it's about time that I revealed the result of their vote! Again, many congratulations to everyone for their entries!
In second place this round was...
Lieutenant (j.g.) Deven Zell with Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat!
And congratulations to this round's winner...
Lieutenant Saveron with Your Lucky Day!!!
Keep your eyes peeled for the launch of the September/October writing challenge - as this round's winner, Lieutenant Saveron will be tasked with picking the topic and joining the judging team. We all hope to see this round's candidates re-enter, alongside those who have entered before but didn't get chance, and even more new blood next time!
Until next time!
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Miner, Miner, Forty-niner by Commander Tal Tel-ar
Reviewed by Commander Tallis Rhul
The chronicle of Angus, the old miner who's struggling to cover his debts in search of a more comfortable life, is both human and engaging. The attention to detail in the description of the conditions in the mine shaft help to instantly build a great deal of sympathy for Angus, as he works himself into an increasingly more dangerous situation. Could he turn around and go home? Yes. But he doesn't, because he's determined to build a better life not only for himself, but also for his family.
The layout of the piece was somewhat sparse, using extremely short paragraphs throughout. While on the surface of things it might seem that this would make a piece of prose easier to read, it actually works the other way, as the readers is constantly making leaps between two or three sentence clusters, which can make reading a disjointed experience. Try to experiment with using longer paragraphs. As a general rule, a paragraph change should come about due to a new person taking up dialogue, a jump forward to a new time period, or to emphasise the beginning of a major event.
I felt that one of the strongest aspects of this entry was the way that the cave-in was dealt with. We'd just seen Angus get his pay off, and I felt like I was approaching a point where I was wondering whether or not greed was going to get the better of him and he would pay the price. With very little effort, the final section of the passage was deployed, opening with an ominous rumble that turned out to be the start of a happy ending, and a great deal of relief - Angus had escaped.
Well done on another successful and well-plotted entry.
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Your Lucky Day by Lieutenant Saveron
Reviewed by Captain Della Vetri
If ever I've come across an example of the saying "every cloud has a silver lining", I think this would be one. I have to admit that at first, I didn't really have that good an opinion about the protagonist as a person - but given how fast that opinion formed, I have to give credit to the author!
Perhaps because of that feeling, seeing things come right for him in the end, after everything that happened to get him to that point, actually made me feel glad for the guy...
From a writing standpoint, the story perhaps didn't flow quite as smoothly as I might have expected, but once I got used to it, it didn't seem to be that big an issue - it was an enjoyable read, and I'd be quite content to see more!
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You Are My Fortune by Lieutenant (j.g.) Aditeya Asa
Reviewed by Captain Della Vetri
As a whole, the story was a nice read - the idea of a bunch of kids haring themselves off in search of action, adventure and such is one that pretty much anybody is likely to recall having daydreams of when they were younger!
That said, it did require a higher than normal suspension of disbelief. The impression I got was that we were looking at a group of young kids, and whilst that does make some of the s[...]es they get into quite plausible, *how* they got to that position was sometimes a bit of a stretch. In addition, I found the structure a bit hard to get my head around at times, which made it perhaps a bit less enjoyable a read for me...
All that said, I can definitely see a lot of potential for future works as writing style and such get smoothed out, and I sincerely look forward to seeing more from this author in the future!
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Good Fortune, Good Friend by Lieutenant Commander Hannibal Parker
Reviewed by Captain Toni Turner
Mr. Parker's descriptions of the two friends showed good insight to their differences, and they complimented each other very well. His set up for the fight with the Nausicaans was novel and excuted with ease. I suppose me being a woman, found it difficult to believe that the woman couldn't have handled the situation and didn't need rescuing, but then he disspelled that notion with the fact she was looking to pick him up.
It was a good story of friendship and well-written, and although I didn't count the misspelling against it, you may want to use spell check on your next submission. I loved the humor in the punch line at the end, especially coming from a Vulcan. It was an entertaining piece and excuted very well, making me want to read more of Mr. Parker's Writing Challenger stories.
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The True Fortune by Lieutenant (j.g.) Tobias Walker
Reviewed by Captain Toni Turner
From the first paragraph, Mr. Walker rendered an action packed story that grabbed my attention, and ended it with a good moral ending of finding his true fortune in experience. It was an odd little tale, but one that was well-written and thought out, giving us just enough techobabble to be believable.
He painted a picture of the action that could be seen in the mind's eye as he "dodged the bullet" in getting away from his adversaries.
I liked his story, although at times it was hard to believe he was in an "ancient space frame cargo ship" and not a faster starship, but he covered that well enough in his descriptions.
Very well done, Tobias. I look forward to reading more of your work in future challenges.
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Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat by Lieutenant (j.g.) Deven Zell
Reviewed by Lieutenant Alleran Tan
Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat, Latin for "Fortune favours the bold", starts strong. The very first sentence inspires curiosity -- what HAS the character gotten themselves into?
The character of Welles immediately grabbed my interest. The [...]y, brandy drinking, "devil may care" risk taking salvage merchant was a character archetype I quite liked. Generally speaking, I'm quite the multitasker (constantly tabbing between Chrome tabs like some rabid OCD weasel) but this story grabbed my attention and held it, something I find to be a very strong compliment.
The ending was excellent in terms of structure, but it actually surprised me. I was expecting the expedition to fail (although maybe it did, dun dun dun!); I wouldn't say this was perfectly executed, as I think the story lost a bit of its dramatic tension by plainly primarily stating that the goal was impossible... then achieving it without any significant loss. Perhaps if the character had knowledge of some of the eddies and currents which would allow him some advantage over the others? Still, one must be careful not to take the *risk* away from what was happening...
Ultimately, this was a tight, engaging story which was no longer than it had to be, and that's a very good thing. It got stuck right into it, jumped straight into the action, and had a tightly woven ending. I always appreciate any story where I can't pick the ending... the use of the pilot's mantra twice, kind of as a book-end, was excellent.
This was a very pleasant read and I enjoyed it. Well done, Nathan!
Afterthought: I honestly thought my initial review (reproduced unedited above) was a little more critical of the story than I had intended. I can't think of any particular comment I'd address, except to say that once again this was a very enjoyable read and any minor issues with it shouldn't bring the story down -- it's well written and extremely tight. Showing another part of the 24th century that we don't see very often was particularly refreshing. I still maintain it could use just a little tweaking, though, and it would not take very much to make this really five star. Once again well done!
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So, here it is - the moment you've all been waiting for! It's time for the July/August writing challenge results and reviews!
First of all, a huge congratulations to everyone who entered - it's great to see so many new competitors this round! Without further ado, here are the reviews; each entry has been reviewed by one of our illustrious judging team, whose name appears just under the title of your entry.
All the best everyone!
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*Update*
We're expecting to announce the winners on September 4th or 5th - watch this space!
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That is it, there is no more! The deadline gong has rung and the judging will now begin! Thankyou to everyone who entered, and watch this space for the results!
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((RIS Bolivia, crew quarters.))
::As the door of the cramped crew quarters slid shut Saveron spoke.::
Saveron: I have appraised Commander Tallis of your situation Ashley. ::The Vulcan said calmly.:: He will decide whether or not to inform Captain Turner.
:: Taking up a position standing next to the rack he intended to use, the Denobulan stood... and didn't move or speak. He knew this was coming. He'd known, and it still stung as if he hadn't. Eyes half lidded, feeling generally like [...], he still tried not to let the frustration and anger... and the fear... wash through him. Failingly so. ::
::The lack of verbal response from the Counsellor was disconcerting, as was the fact that Ashley refused to turn and face him. The Doctor didn't doubt that his friend had heard him.::
Saveron: I anticipate that he may choose to do so. ::He continued.:: The Captain is obviously aware that something is amiss. ::After all, she had virtually ordered Yael to get some rest.::
Yael: ::quietly, simply, after a moment:: So I surmised.
::Removing his quilted Romulan jacket and belt with it's holstered disruptor, Saveron hung them neatly from a hook on the wall and straightened the sleeves of the plain black shirt that he wore underneath. Without the big jacket he suddenly looked a lot thinner, and in the stark down-lighting faint shadows were visible under his eyes.::
::The Vulcan was troubled. Tallis had indicated that he had made an incorrect decision and suggested that his logic had been flawed. In light of the perspective that the FO had given him Saveron was concerned that he might be correct. Flawed logic was undesirable. He could either meditate on it - although such self-analysis could lead to the perpetuation of the error - or he could talk to his friend and Counsellor about it. Except that Ashley wasn't talking to him.::
Saveron: Commander Tallis found the current situation disagreeable. ::He revealed mildly, sitting down on one of the lower bunks. By now Ashley would know that Saveron used 'disagreeable' for any form of negative response rather than verbalize the emotion.:: He indicated that he felt I should have relieved you of duty in light of your symptoms; that I should not have permitted you to join the mission.
:: The response was released like a cord drawn far too tight springing free and snapping back. Ashley spun round halfway and his voice rose. It was purely motivated by pent up emotion, motivated by physical discomfort. ::
Yael: If you all think I'm so useless here then why did you?!
::Saveron's expression remained as blank as ever, but he stopped undoing the buckles on his boots and straightened up, watching Ashley as he actually yelled at him, grey eyes hiding what went on behind them.::
Saveron: I let you go because it was what you wanted. ::The Vulcan replied quietly, honestly.::
::There was the flaw, there was the breakdown of logic. He hadn't let Ashley go on the mission because it was what was best for the mission, or what was best for the Counsellor; he'd let him do it purely because he knew that Ashley would probably express negative emotions towards him if he didn't, and he had not wanted that. He had put personal considerations before professional ones.::
::Vulcans often found it hard to make friends, good friends, easily amongst other species; most found their manner disconcerting. Ashley was one of the few who had seemed prepared to overlook that, and Saveron valued his friendship. And yet in trying to do the right thing by him it seemed that he had done only harm. Tallis had been right.::
:: Unfortunately, the deeper concerns Saveron had were hidden to the counselor, who hadn't quite connected the dots as to Saveron's motivation for allowing him to remain on duty. Still, he bit back his angry outburst, countered effectively by Saveron's calm, quiet response. It did no good to be angry with a Vulcan, he knew that full well... somewhat impaired, it took him a moment to realize what he'd said, how he'd said it. ::
:: Swallowing it down with a valiant attempt to match the Vulcan's calm demeanor, it was only now that he realized how hard this was going to be in his condition. He needed to do *much* better than this if he wasn't going to prove them right, concerning his usefulness on this mission. Even more, look who he was yelling at... reigning in his contorted emotional state was not easy, though he tried. ::
:: He managed to pull together some small bit of sense. ::
Yael: I'd have hated being left behind... and here I am... blaming you.
Saveron: I believe that the relevant expression is '[...]ed if I do, and [...]ed if I don't'.
::There was no tone of bitterness in his voice, no expression on his face, but it was there in his words. With quick, economical movements Saveron stripped his boots off and lay down on the narrow bunk, pulling the blanket up and closing grey eyes. He found that he had no more will for angry discussions, and he had not slept in 48 hours. He might as well do something productive.::
::Gaev's real crew hadn't been crash hot on hygiene; it was perhaps fortunate that the Doctor didn't have much of a sense of smell.::
:: The silence that came upon the room was burdensome, almost physically heavy. Ashley sat back on his bunk, leaning on the edge on his hands. For some time he did not move. Saveron didn't move either, his eyes closed and intending to sleep, that much was clear. It was hard to think of what to say now, as he had already said too much. Still, after some few minutes of that foggy silence... ::
Yael: Saveron...
:: The sound of the door opening interrupted what sounded as if it might be an apologetic... or perhaps a pleading... tone, and purple eyes set on the darkened figured in the doorway, light spilling in from the hallway behind him. ::
Lieutenant JG Saveron
Chief Medical Officer
Federation Embassy, Duronis II
USS Thunder NCC-70605
&
Lt. JG Ashley Deneve Yael
Head Counselor
Embassy Duronis II
USS Thunder NCC - 70605
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Hi all!
Welcome to the July/August round of the Writing Challenge! Please read this post carefully for new guidelines on entering your submissions! Following in challenge traditions, the July/August round uses an archetype as inspiration for entries.
Joining us on the judging panel for this round is the May/June winner, Captain Della Vetri, who has decided on the following topic for this round:
"Fortune"
You're free to interpret that however you like for your entries - will you go for luck, wealth or another interpretation of the archetype?
Guidelines: To participate, create a new thread. The subject of the thread must be the title of your story, preceded by the tag [2011: JUL/AUG], which is a requirement for entries that will be used when we archive the entries at the end of the round. If it is a Work In Progress, denote that at the top of the post itself (in the body text, not in the thread title). As with last round it will be the final draft posted in your topic that will be read and taken into consideration. Any unfinished entries marked as Work In Progress will not be considered for judging and will be moved to the "Character Cafe" forum at the end of the contest. Your work must be entirely your own. No co-authoring. You are welcome to create any character you so desire, but they must be from the Star Trek universe. No "canon" characters allowed. (i.e.- No one who has been on a show.)
Length: No more than 3000 words accepted.
Beginning Date: Sunday, July 17th
Ending Date: Saturday, August 27th
See Also: the Writing Challenge Website
Challenge: “Fortune”
Good luck everyone!
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Hi all!
Welcome to the July/August round of the Writing Challenge! Please read this post carefully for new guidelines on entering your submissions! Following in challenge traditions, the July/August round uses an archetype as inspiration for entries.
Joining us on the judging panel for this round is the May/June winner, Captain Della Vetri, who has decided on the following topic for this round:
"Fortune"
You're free to interpret that however you like for your entries - will you go for luck, wealth or another interpretation of the archetype?
Guidelines: To participate, create a new thread. The subject of the thread must be the title of your story, preceded by the tag [2011: MAY/JUN], which is a requirement for entries that will be used when we archive the entries at the end of the round. If it is a Work In Progress, denote that at the top of the post itself (in the body text, not in the thread title). As with last round it will be the final draft posted in your topic that will be read and taken into consideration. Any unfinished entries marked as Work In Progress will not be considered for judging and will be moved to the "Character Cafe" forum at the end of the contest. Your work must be entirely your own. No co-authoring. You are welcome to create any character you so desire, but they must be from the Star Trek universe. No "canon" characters allowed. (i.e.- No one who has been on a show.)
Length: No more than 3000 words accepted.
Beginning Date: Sunday, July 17th
Ending Date: Saturday, August 27th
See Also: the Writing Challenge Website
Challenge: “Fortune”
Good luck everyone!
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So, with the reviews under our belts it's time to announce the winner and runner up for this round! (Drum roll please...)
The runner up for the May/June Writing Challenge 2011 was...
Lieutenant Sinda Essen's "Prometheus"!
And the winner for this round was...
Captain Della Vetri's "Mazu's Flame"!
A huge congratulations to our winner - I'll be in touch shortly to discuss the topic for the next round!
Thanks again to everyone who entered. The July/August round of the competition should be going live within the next few days! See you then!
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To Float In Space? by Commander Tal Tel-ar
Reviewed by Commander Karynn Brice
I'd like to start by saying, I really enjoyed your creative approach to the topic. Rather than taking it on in a concrete manner, you thought about the implications of fire, and wrote something drawing on those. It was a bold approach and one that I think really paid off. I also appreciated your use of humor, particularly with the rations. It made William a bit more real to me, and made him someone I could sympathize with, particularly since I also dislike Salisbury Steak. I think most people can relate to being stuck eating something that they hate.
My only real complaint with your story is that it could have used an additional spelling/grammar check. I noticed several mistakes, and for me, those can be distracting. I would also suggest, although feel free to disregard it, that you consider using paragraphs of varying lengths, particularly longer ones. I found that, for me, having all and only short paragraphs tended to break the story up and make it more difficult to get into and follow.
Aside from those two comments, though, I did really enjoy your story. I loved the twist at the end - and his response to it. I wasn't expecting either and it amused me. I think you did a really great job.
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Internal Flames by Lieutenant Tressa
Reviewed by Commander Tallis Rhul
The revenge motif that ran through this entry fit perfectly with the theme, and the inner fire idea was a nice piece of lateral thinking. The overriding obsession of Dartris with avenging the assimilation of his fiancée came through very well, and the detail of the ever-running projector added a lot to setting the scene.
In writing flash fiction, it can sometimes be difficult to strike the right balance between getting your story across and adding enough detail to
characters. In reading the opening section in particular, I felt that the level of description of Dartris was spot on; we didn't need to know any more about him other than that he was old and obsessed with revenge, and you coloured that nicely by mentioning that those who knew of him considered him to be mad. Equally, you didn't dwell too long in describing his love, which leaves the reader's imaginations to run wild. However, I would really have liked to have seen more development in the flashback section. Your writing is descriptive and entertaining, and the action, which was in essence the main body of the story despite having taken place in the past, was curtailed very suddenly.
The layout of the entry was well thought-out; I appreciated the return to the opening sentences at the end as it created a haunting effect. This was
imaginatively written, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work in the future.
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The Yellow Envelope by Lieutenant Commander Kevin Breeman
Reviewed by Commander Tallis Rhul
The use of simile, metaphor and imagery in this piece is executed at an expert level, and makes for a very engaging read. So too is the form. While it
initially seems as though we're following two unrelated stories, these ravel quickly together to explain how the two main characters, Alvin and atri, relate to one another. The result is a piece that is both absorbing and atmospheric.
While there was a clear reference to flames and fire in two different places in the piece, the first to the Hobus supernova, and the second to the fire around which they were sitting, I couldn't help but feel like the relation to the theme of this round of the contest was a little tenuous. Granted, it was used to destroy the envelope with the three insects, but in my mind, I felt that the way the piece ended raised one too many questions. It is, of course, always good to leave a reader wanting more, but the significance of the envelope was diminished by the fact that it appeared only in the final paragraph.
Having mentioned form already in brief, I would like to give special mention to the choices of title for the different sections of the piece. The references to mythology and to the evolution of the relationship of the two characters using those specific terms threaded very nicely through the entry to reinforce the flow of the narrative. The underworld theme lent itself to the darker side of Patri's character, and the reference to Orpheus and Eurydice was inspired.
Great work, and a thoroughly enjoyable entry.
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Prometheus by Lieutenant Sinda Essen
Reviewed by Captain Toni Turner
"Prometheus" was an well-written submission that gave its readers some insight on why the Federation put so much emphases on the Prime Directive.
Unfortunately, I've never been a fan of stories that switched back and forth from one scene to another, because undoubtably I find one more interesting than the other. In this piece, what was known lost out to the unknown, and I found myself wanting to know more about Ashom's struggle than I did Joro's smuggling, making it like a good movie interrupted by commercials.
Otherwise, the individual segments flowed well, and the descriptions were expertly done.
Nice job, Sinda.
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Fire on High by Ensign Deven Zell
Reviewed by Captain Toni Turner
I thoroughly enjoyed the analogy of Mr. Baker's piece. I found it a perfect example of facing the challenges of life, and having the drive and spirit to face them head on, and finish, no matter the outcome.
It was a story of one man's unquenchable thirst to excel, striving for excellence for a second time. And it was a tale that could be told in any venue, making it timeless, and a narration that gave every reader their own feeling of identity as they struggle to reach for goals.
As writers sometimes we tend to look a sentence and think about a way that it could have been said better. I didn't find a word that I would have changed. It was a clear and concise work, that flowed smoothly from the time Baker drew me on to that desert plain until he collapsed. But he didn't stop with that, In giving a glimpse of the character’s mind set, he let the reader know the Trill would try again, making the total package encouraging, well planned, and absolutely flawless in execution.
To sum my impression of "Fire on High" I'll quote Mr. Baker, ". . . it was just a good run," but excellent in the telling. Very nice job, Nathan.
September/October 2011 Writing Challenge
in 2011
Posted
"To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before"
Written by Commander Tal Tel-ar
Reviewed by Lieutenant Alleran Tan
I was tasked with reading and judging Tal Tel-ar's entry to the writing challenge, "To go Where no Man has gone Before", and I must say I quite enjoyed it. Tal Tel-ar's enters frequently and is a consistently strong writer; this entry is no exception.
The description of the three aliens was unique and clever and their introduction leapt right into the story. The characters had personality, they were described well and their banter was very enjoyable. The scene where poor Ensign Borders reveals just how deep his disguise is going to be (and the subsequent line about coming back for some shore-leave) was hilarious to read. His take on the subject matter -- where no man had gone before -- echoed an interesting change in the Star Trek mythos. The original series, of course, said "man" but the more politically-correct TNG-era changed that to "no-one". This is an interesting little nod to a piece of Trek trivia that I only picked up on when the story was over.
I thought this story needed a little bit of rework in terms of grammar, structure and composition. I'd like to apologize to Mister Tel-ar for my finickiness; I'm in the process of proofreading and fixing my recently finished book, and so the issues twigged my inner grammar fascist a little more than they normally should have. If you desire, you may read the rest of the review in a comically overdone accent to emphasise this.
Sometimes the text sounded halting and stilted; use of commas and semicolons (the most feared punctuation on Earth) would greatly improve the natural flow of the story. With exclamation marks, generally the rule is "one or none" (WHAT! vs WHAT!!!). An exception, which would have helped here, is to combine exclamation marks and question marks (but only one of each). "What?!" is a bit more natural to the flow of the story, but what Tel-ar's written does work, too.
Additionally, a general rule with numbers less than 10 is that they should be written (aka, "three figures" instead of "3 figures"); for numbers larger than that opinions differ. Generally speaking, however, I prefer to defer to The Chicago Manual of Style which notes that you should use words where-ever possible, unless "[words] begin to look silly".
The fact that the only issues I was able to find with this story were stylistic, however, shows the story's strength. It was a lighthearted read that was a creative, funny take on the subject matter. Very well done, Mister Tel-ar!