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Tony, aka VAiru

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Everything posted by Tony, aka VAiru

  1. "What Was To Come"writer's character: Diego Herrerajudge's character: Ben Livingston There is a particular allure for writers to incorporate ornate and complex language. Done poorly, this can ruin a respectable piece; in “What Was To Come”, however, sentence structure and diction add to the story. It’s clear that each uncommon word and every turn of phrase is chosen to deliver a particular connotation. The piece deserves a second read for the language alone. The story itself tells of the “sphere-builders” from the perspective of one realizing that their way of life is going to come crashing down – and it cannot be stopped. This piece’s power is, in part, that this is a plot played out over and over throughout history, and the writer explores the experience of someone to whom it is actually happening – an appealing perspective and a voice not often heard. There is a peculiarity of the work that highlights the idea that this could be any society with more power than it has collective wisdom: the story of the Sphere-builders is one with which many readers may be not be familiar. Reading the story without the relevant background leads to questions as to the race’s identity, which only emphasizes this theme. There is one aspect worth noting for future improvement. The character’s reaction to the situation is given, but it does not offer a complete exploration of the character’s internal journey once the realization occurs. The piece is set up to deliver a stunning account of the feelings experienced upon realizing “what is to come”. The final line is powerful, but it would be more so with more leading up to it, offering a chance to better identify with this alien. This is an extremely well-written piece that deserves to be sat with and pondered. It is a showcase of language, a story with an intriguing idea, and a great piece overall. Well done! --- "Diplomatic Impunity, (or 'The Tribble with Troubles')"writer's character: Saveronjudge's character: Toni Turner This piece was a fast-paced read that flowed seamlessly from beginning to end, the only problem with that was it left me wanting to read more at that pace, which was not a fault at all. I also liked Severon's mastery of extra long sentences as well, proving that when punctuated correctly, they don't disrupt the flow or pace of the point being made. While the entry verged on being perfect, I kept reading it over to see if I had read it's one mistake incorrectly, but alas the misspelling Federation (Federtion) kept blaring out at me in the third paragraph. No problem though, I didn't count off for that careless mistake. Excellent work, Lt. Commander. --- "A Place in Time"writer's character: Brayden Joreyjudge's character: Aron Kells A very solid story! This story uses its Trek foundations, from the appearance of the Borg to the use of imzadi, to place itself strongly before it makes its gutsiest jump: The Borg have changed! The fear of assimilation that Trek's presented for nearly a quarter of a decade has escalated and the Borg, for whatever reason, have decided that they'd prefer to annihilate whomever they encounter. However, that's also where the story stumbles a bit, because, like Jorey, I'm not quite sure what the scenario I just saw meant. Was it a premonition, or, one step further, temporal jump? Or was it a delusion? Either of those would've been a really interesting consequence to investigate, but especially the second: Why would Jorey be delusional; what terrible things have happened to him? It's clear that he's a character who lives very much within his emotions, and so I was tempted to think that it would be easy to jump to a place of overwhelming emotion, and perhaps even delusion. For the future, I'd suggest that the writer think about what really happened here and whether it could happen again, and, if so, why...?--- "Yesterday's Tomorrow"writer's character: Sinda Essenjudge's character: Aron Kells Yesterday's tomorrow, indeed! This story starts off at a sprint and never slows down, helped along by its smart pacing, a heavy use of dialogue, and space descriptions; if pages were involved, it would be a page-turner for sure. The Macmillan epigraph provides a very useful context for the piece; replicators in post-WWII Britain would certainly mark those words as true. In fact, I think it was a very smart choice on the writer's part to keep this story relatively small and contained with a single character as its through line, as I suspect that introducing replicators would -- well, as Charlotte says, "What happens when everyone suddenly has everything they ever wanted, without restraint?" However, the story intelligently doesn't concern itself with answering that question in exhaustive detail but presents its narrative as an answer to the question. In one way, the story is a Trek-based reaction to the steampunk genre generally; it uses time-travel as its macguffin, but I suspect that if this had been a television episode, there would have been a few hundred fan fictions based in this alternate history! If I had one suggestion for the writer, it would be that while the dialogue is doing a useful job of moving the story along, I wouldn't mind stopping to breathe a bit in this world before the big reveal as I'm quite curious about what, for example, Charles's life would be like on a day-to-day basis. However, I don't think not knowing detracts overwhelmingly from what's presented here, and I'm entirely satisfied by the story's end. Excellent work!
  2. Thanks to our great writers who entered this September and October Challenge! Just in time for Halloween, I'm pleased to bring you the judges' decision and our feedback. I was incredibly happy to see the diversity of stories here, from a character-action piece to a second-person mythos narrative to some alternate history via time travel to the story of a tribble fancier. Well done, all! The judges were unanimous, however, in deciding that "Yesterday's Tomorrow," courtesy of Chris, the writer behind Sinda Essen and Jhen Thelev, should win this contest. The Challenge's runner-up, then, is "Diplomatic Impunity (or 'The Tribble with Troubles')," courtesy of Sarah, the writer behind Saveron. All my congratulations to both of you, and please watch the Community News around mid-November and -December for more about these authors and their stories! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- the writers behind Fleet Captain Toni Turner and our special guest, last Challenge's winner, Lieutenant Ben Livingston. Writers and all interested parties will find individual feedback posted below this message. Please feel free to use this thread to offer your congratulations to the winning writers!
  3. Thank you to everyone who entered! The Challenge is now over. Judges will be able to announce a winner by November 1st!
  4. Greetings, everyone, and welcome to our second-to-last Writing Challenge of 2013! I'm glad you could stop by, and I hope you'll give this Challenge a read and then decide to enter your story for consideration. For this Challenge, Will -- the writer behind Lieutenant Ben Livingston and the winner of the July & August "Under My Skin" Challenge -- would like you to consider the topic "What Will Come." The Challenge dares you to consider the implications of action -- or perhaps of inaction -- upon the future, if you prefer, but remember that in Trek, what will come is not necessarily always in the future. Certainly, with the developments in 118 fleet in the past year or so, including the Small War with the Klingons in last year's blockbusters, the resurfacing of the Iconian gateways in this year's, and the recent addition of slipstream travel to many ships in the fleet, "what will come" has never been muddier. However, that's up to you to determine, and the judges look forward to receiving your entries! The deadline for this Challenge is Friday, October 25th, and as of today, Monday, September 2nd, this Challenge is open! As always, please remember:*Your work must be completely original.*You must be the sole author of the work.*Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship.*Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always post questions to this thread or visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  5. Important facts: 1. That Cookie Monster .gif made my life. 2. I hereby petition for Joset and Delak to get their own spin-off show.
  6. "The Enemy Within"writer's character: Toni Turnerjudge's character: Melitta Herodion Of all the ways to interrupt the theme of under my skin, a literal interruption could quite possibly be the trickiest to deliver in a truly meaningful way. But that was what this piece did as well as touch on such raw emotions coursing through the main character in a very convincingly within such a short amount of space. Perhaps the only concern that I have with this one is that I found it odd that you used sim thought tags ( oO Oo) when the rest of the story was written in a narrative formatting. While I did understand what was being said it did detract a little from the consistency of the story in my eyes. I am also more then a little curious as to what scenario led the Captain and her crew to that moment and the implied desperate circumstances that they faced. Despite the short size of this entry with each sentence and each additional detail I was blown away and found myself having to rethink my previous assumptions. For that reason I deeply enjoyed reading this one. Good work. --- "The Genetic Engineer's Manifesto"writer's character: Ben Livingstonjudge's character: Diego Herrera The first thing that grabbed me about this was the fact that it really is a manifesto, and that makes it stand out from quite a few of the entries I’ve seen in this or previous competitions. The unique interpretation of the theme was also very nice to see. The entry is very punchy in general as it does everything that it needs to do, including fleshing out just enough detail about the narrator to give us something to sympathise with, throughout the course of the speech itself. The only piece of constructive feedback I feel I can offer is that for me there were maybe a few too many sentences started with conjunctions. This can be an effective technique in writing and, indeed, in oration. However, if overused, it can disrupt the flow of prose. While it did serve to help create the regular cadence of a confident speaker, I felt that other techniques you used were more successful in achieving this goal. In fact, there were a range of literary techniques used throughout this entry that really enhanced the quality of its content. Rhetorical questions, varied sentence length with the shortest of them being used to convey key points and a regular, insistent use of the imperative really lend force to the presentation of the speaker’s points. To some degree, they’re quite unsettling and I think that’s part of the key to this piece’s success. It makes an argument for something that’s considered taboo in the established canon of the Star Trek future as well as our present day lives and it justifies it quite well.--- "I've Got You Under My Skin" writer's character: Alora DeVeau judge's character: Diego Herrera This entry does a great job of misdirecting the reader into making a big assumption right from the start. Descriptions are used to maximum effect in this pursuit; a focus on the emotions of the principal character send us down the path towards the final twist while giving us someone to engage with. Most of us have been in the position where we’re the new guy or girl and all but the most confident of us have probably sat around waiting for someone to introduce themselves! I would have loved to have more to engage with. The idea of Ensign Esther settling in wasn’t presented quite strongly enough to be the main plot element to my mind, and the episodes of dialogue could easily have been folded into a sentence of narrative or two as they didn’t seem to be essential. I was also a little confused as to why the ship wasn’t named - choosing any name at all would have been relatively easy. To some degree, it didn’t matter but, as readers, we do care about those kinds of details! There were some clever instances of word play that I really appreciated. “She loved the way his whiskers tickled her cheek when she hugged him” was a great way to drop a subtle clue without giving the game away. It’s always good to see tricks like that being deployed and being taken off in a direction you didn’t necessarily expect at the end of a piece of writing and I thought this entry did that effectively.--- "All Things Are Subjective" writer's character: Saveron judge's character: Kalianna Nicholotti As always, Saveron’s writer delivers an amazing entry composed of subtle, underlying tones that come together to make the reader go ‘ah!’ near the end. Though one of the longer entries, I feel it keeps the reader involved throughout, walking us through a short time in the life of the character, all while expanding on monumental history that had lead to this moment. Coupled with the very ‘realistic’ and believable persona of a Vulcan, this piece offers anyone who would read it, a great story. The theme for this challenge, however, isn’t readily apparent until you consider the ‘Subjective’, and view it all in the lens of individuality. It’s not as easy to catch on to as some of the other entries, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as it is not impossible to make the connection. Overall, this is a great entry that I really did enjoy reading. Though this ‘Subjective’ is something relatively unfamiliar to me, there was enough in the story to explain where they came from and what they were, all while building up to an end the writer can be proud of. Thanks for the great entry and I look forward to what you come up with next!--- "Resignation" writer's character: Evan Delano judge's character: Aron Kells It's hard to pick out what to talk about first in a story in which so many things are working so well, but let's arbitrarily jump in with the structure. Using the resignation letter genre is a fascinating choice that pays off well in what it's able to do: It's not so much meant as a plot exposition as a declaration of character, and the tradeoff is a working one of philosophy rather than scenery. The smaller choices work well to create a full background for a story that's done well (Paragons vs. Perfects receives a particular mention), and there's a neat and very quiet moment in which the aliens are described (perhaps a shout-out to Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End?) -- very nice! The questions I have are mostly based upon plot choices: Would Starfleet try to forcibly remove Gardner? Were the events of Insurrection really enough to eliminate every other duckblind mission? But while those have an impact on the story's reading, the writing itself more than makes up for small stumbles in the plot and draws the reader on without letting go. Excellent, excellent work! --- "Under Our Skin" writer's character: Idril Mar judge's character: Aron Kells It's always nice to see something of Idril, but of course the risk run with an established character is that readers may need more background than a short entry can provide. Not so here: Idril and her Mar stand alone quite easily in this welcome story that takes its major characters to Scotland. The opening descriptions easily set the tone of the piece and drops the reader right on the summit with Idril and, eventually, Mar's past hosts. The scene is a beautiful one, and the story needs no more than that single scene to complete its work. The only confusion I had with regard to the story was, however, that I wasn't sure what its work was, exactly. Is it thinking about age? Is it, as its last line suggests, a reminder of Idril's lack of isolation, even in her own head -- and, as the story would seem to imply, is that a good thing? Put simply, how is the woman we meet in the first sentence different from that we meet in the last -- or is she? -- and if she is, how is the reader meant to read into what happens there a transformation? Of course, there's no reason that this story must be structured in such a way, and it's quite a lovely little vignette by itself. The writing, as usual, is wonderful, and I suspect that we'll be seeing more of Idril and Mar in the future....
  7. Thank you to everyone who participated in our late summer July/August Writing Challenge! I'm pleased now to bring you the judges' decisions. I will note that a clear final field was harder to come by in this contest, as some final rankings were only one point off another. The winner of the Challenge for July and August is the writer behind Ben Livingston, with his story "The Genetic Engineer's Manifesto"! Our runner-up is the writer behind Evan Delano, with his story "Resignation"! Congratulations to both of you, and watch the Community News in the coming weeks for more about these authors and their stories! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- the writers behind Fleet Captain Kalianna Nicholotti, Fleet Captain Diego Herrera, and Commander Melitta Herodion. Writers and all interested parties will find individual feedback posted below this message. Please feel free to use this thread to offer your congratulations to the winning writers!
  8. This Challenge is now over! The judges are currently donning their special suits of writing achievement and valor, and we hope to have a winner announced in a week or so! Stay tuned....
  9. Haha, that one made me laugh out loud when I read it, too. I love the relationship those two have :-)
  10. Welcome, my friends, to the July and August Challenge for 2013! For this Challenge, Ed -- the writer behind Captain Diego Herrera and Ambassador Tallis Rhul and the winner of the May & June "From the Past" Challenge -- would like you to consider the topic "Under My Skin." Now, you may choose to take this expression figuratively and examine its ramifications for one of your staid characters (or, perhaps, an entirely new one); but the beauty of Trek is that you may also choose to get under a character's skin literally, perhaps with some Borg nanoprobes, a Trill symbiont, or something completely unexpected. Whatever you do, the judges look forward to reading your entry! The deadline for this Challenge is Tuesday, August 27th, which gives you the better part of two months to consider this topic, watch the new movie, and produce your story! As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Tuesday, July 2nd, this Challenge is open. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website at http://www.starbase118.net/members/events-activities/writing-challenges/ Good luck!
  11. “Questions and answers from the past.” writer's character: Alexander Richards judge's character: Toni Turner Lieutenant JG Richards delivered what his title promised in this well-told story of discovery and motivation. I was impressed by the fact that Captain Barnabus, even though looking forward to a shore leave, made the decision to investigate the wormhole first. It was very Starfleet of him. Although while the investigation answered the question of what had happened to the USS Tycho, NCC -1977, there still remained his questions about the wormhole that had taken it 33 years prior. I also like the fact that the incident brought about a fraction of personal discovery. . . "Do I regret ever having joined Starfleet rather than becoming a family man? Not for one moment, though I do sometimes find myself wondering, when I am alone, what if . . .? ” Thank you, Lieutenant Richards. Well done. --- "Lessons from the Past" writer's character: Kalianna Nicholotti judge's character: Jhen Thelev/Sinda Essen I must admit I approached this story with a slight reservation. A story with no dialogue is always something of a gamble.But appearances can be deceptive and 'Lessons from the Past' was a joy to read, quite literally.The lack of speech paid off, dealing as it does with memories - although our minds are good at remembering sights and even smells, rarely do we remember exactly what a person said. In this case, dialogue would have felt intrusive and jarring to the contemplative mood. Presenting snatches from the lifetimes of a Trill symbiont was a great way to approach this topic and Nicholotti presents us with half a dozen completely different hosts. Different, and yet connected by a number of themes, most prominently love and a deep interest in the unknown, be it space, science, future or even death. The presence of the symbiont is always there, not just to pass on the lessons of the past, but also to learn new lessons along with its host. Nicholotti's writing is beautifully poetic. Lines like; "questions not even asked yet would have answers" and "[the] impression that the star itself was dying, as rays of yellow, red, and orange bled into the water and spread in the waves" create a story that is evocative and thoughtful, as much about the future as it is about the past.Wonderful.--- "The Light of Darkness"writer's character: Hannibal Parkerjudge's character: Aron Kells This story places itself strongly within the genre of military sci-fi, which gives it an immediate opportunity to shine as it's not something that, with the exception of a couple of memorable DS9 episodes, Trek has done. Within that genre, it takes the Challenge's topic to heart and examines an important battle in the early service of Hannibal Parker, then a young marine officer. However, once under the surface of this attractive veneer, the story breaks down a bit. There's nothing very uniquely Parker about this story, and even his rallying cry is taken directly from Starship Troopers -- a disappointment for me, because I'm intrigued by Parker's character and I was intrigued to see one of his early experiences. The battle itself didn't carry much tension as I was certain Parker was going to survive and I wasn't vested in the Ha'Rouque character. However, the fact that the writer took on the challenge of writing about bloody military maneuvers in a universe in which that's generally not too accepted gains many kudos, and I'd like to see more of young Parker in the future.--- "Life in Memoriam"writer's character: Ben Livingstonjudge's character: Aron Kells This story takes on the immensely challenging task of explaining what happens in the moments we like to think of as empty. Or, put another way, it tells us what happens when nothing's happening for this character, and it does it very well. The wandering reflection amidst the structural device of the push-ups provides a nice ebb and flow to the narrative, and this is, all things considered, a very lovely take on the in-between. Its length is just right, too, as any longer would give way to a sort of mental rambling that this character wouldn't do: He reflects as he gets ready for his day and then he goes to it. Well done!--- "Not until this world burns" writer's character: Diego Herrera judge's character: Melitta Herodion When I started reading this piece I first thought that I was going to be reading about a character's exploits before or after a night of heavy drinking. As I read more though I found that I couldn't have been more wrong. The topic, "from the past" could refer to any number of things from a single past experience to the impacts of culture or tradition and how a person deals with one of those things. This story, "Not until this world burns" tackles all three (past experiences, ancient culture of a character's race and tradition) and it does so beautifully and in my opinion, it also does it successfully. As well as being well written this story made me want to look up the various details of Andorian society that weren't spelt out as the story progressed. I particularly had trouble with the different gender and family references but with that said I wouldn't ask that to be changed at all. I found that this story was excellently crafted using imaginative and deeply descriptive descriptions as well as truly heart felt emotions for each of the characters. To me though one of the best features of this story was how as the story progressed layer after layer of past influences were added which created the overall and very memorable effect and I deeply enjoyed reading. Very well done.
  12. Happy midsummer, all! I'm pleased to bring you the results from our May & June Writing Challenge "From the Past." Our winner for this round is Ed, aka Captain Diego Herrera, for his short story "Not Until This World Burns." Close on his heels in the rankings was Marissa, aka Captain Kalianna Nicholotti, with her short story "Lessons from the Past." Congratulations to both of them and to everyone who entered! A new Challenge will be up early in July and will run through late August. Until then, I would like to thank my fellow judges for this round: the writers behind Fleet Captain Toni Turner, Commander Jhen Thelev (Lieutenant Sinda Essen), and Commander Melitta Herodion.
  13. This Challenge is officially over! Judges are convening, and we hope to have an announcement of the winner and runner-up by July 1st.
  14. Right? But one of my favorite things about the Trek shows was the way they'd update colloquialisms for the 24th century, so I like doing it, too, whenever possible!
  15. Welcome, my friends, to the May & June Challenge for 2013! For this Challenge, Chris -- the writer behind Sinda Essen & Jhen Thelev and the winner of the last "Do Unto Others" Challenge -- would like you to consider the topic "From The Past." I will note that this is a particularly apropos topic as it coincides with the release of the new Trek movie, Into Darkness. Perhaps you'll interpret the Challenge literally and explore time travel. Perhaps you'll look at those little monsters that haunt your character's past. Perhaps you'll interpret the Challenge in a completely unexpected way! However you do it, make sure that your entry wows you, as well. The deadline for this Challenge is Monday, June 24th, which gives you the better part of two months to consider this topic, watch the new movie, and produce your story! As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Thursday, May 2nd, this Challenge is open. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  16. "Lex Talionis" writer's character: Sinda Essen judge's character: Toni Turner The theme of "Do unto others" embraced the law of retaliation equivalent to an offense, went into effect in this well crafted study of lex talionis. Whether deemed retributive or poetic justice, the Cardassian hit all the marks as he enjoyed playing with the Vorta's confusion, until he gave her the final blow.". . . Fair is fair, after all. However, it was phrases like, "Sudden light stabbed down into her eyes," and "a growing sense of black fear began to take shape." that kept me reading just to see how many marbles the Cardassian had in play. Well done, Sinda. Not a word wasted in either portrayal. --- "Among Warriors" writer's character: Jorus Cogud judge's character: Aron Kells "Among Warriors" is certainly a good example of what one might not want done unto them! This story immediately leaps forward with choices both in plot and in form (mostly commas where the reader might expect periods), and it doesn't let its momentum fade until the end. The story offers a unique story of a previous host of the Cogud symbiont, and I was pleased to see the writer attempt this! However, I had some questions, especially given that the writer's primary character is another Cogud host. Did these memories impact the Cogud symbiont in a particular way that made them resonate with the author, and can those memories be explored (or have they been) by Jorus in the main sim? These aren't critiques of the story at hand, mind you, just areas to possibly explore further, as the long-lived Trill symbionts offer a really unique way to tell a story. Well done, and I hope to see you back for the next challenge.
  17. Welcome to the end of our first short contest of 2013! April's Challenge asked participants to consider the theme "Do Unto Others," and I'm pleased to bring you the results now. The winner of the Challenge for April is the writer behind Sinda Essen, with his story "Lex Talionis"! Our runner-up is the writer behind Jorus Cogud, with his story "Calling Home"! Congratulations to both of you! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- the writers behind Fleet Captain Toni Turner, Captain Kalianna Nicholotti, Commander Melitta Herodion, and Commander Karynn Ehlanii Brice.
  18. This Challenge is now over! The judges have convened, and we hope to have reviews and rankings to you shortly.
  19. Welcome, my friends, to the first monthlong Writing Challenge of 2013! For this Challenge, Sarah -- the writer behind Saveron and the winner of the last challenge -- would like you to consider the open-ended topic "Do Unto Others." What does this mean? How will you take it? The challenge of the Challenge is to interpret the theme with your own thoughtful story, so I look forward to reading what you do! The deadline for this Challenge is Saturday, April 27th, which gives you just about three and a half weeks to cobble a story together. Let's see what the springtime (for those of you in the northern hemisphere) does with your creativity! As always, please remember: *Your work must be completely original. *You must be the sole author of the work. *Your story must take place in the Star Trek universe, but may not center upon canon characters. *Sign your final draft as you would a post on your ship. *Your story must be between 300 and 3000 words. As of today, Tuesday, April 2nd, this Challenge is open. For any questions you might have, remember that you can always visit the Writing Challenge website. Good luck!
  20. "My Brother's Keeper" (writer's character) Saveron (judge's character) Kali Nicholotti I absolutely love the imagery invoked in the writing throughout My Brother's Keeper. Not only does it give the reader an in depth picture of the setting, but it brings the story to life in ways that can only be done with the careful weaving of words in this manner. The idea of Romulans and Vulcans living in the same system is truly unique. With all of the available choices in the quadrant, including within Empire space, this was a very 'out of the box' solution to the problem facing these people. It is very apparent that there are two vastly different civilizations here, illustrated by the conversation between the two on the planet as they wait for the transports. Their interactions show a glimpse of what the future may hold; promise, as well as distrust, at least on one side of the fence. On the other, logic prevails no matter what, a point which is put across with a coldness that only Vulcans can convey. The only thing about this entire piece that struck me was the fact that the conversation between the two seemed to just run in circles. I think that the point of the story itself was held in the description of the planet and the thoughts behind the words, but the dialogue seems to detract just enough from the story itself to create ripples in the flow. It is only at the end that the point of the argument is seen. Still, it is all extremely well written and a great pleasure to read. I really look forward to seeing what you write for the next challenge! ------ "Calling Home"(writer's character) Ryoma Hoshino(judge's character) Toni Turner I was quite pleased with Mr. Hoshino's entry as his words had a nice flow that indicated he was in command of them as he masterfully set up the scene. And that was something rarely seen in the pieces from ensigns. Many readers, I'm sure, could identify with his quandary of having regrets for not saying things that should have been said to a loved one before losing their faculties. The horror of finding out it was too late for his father to understand was softened by Hoshino's conviction not to allow his son to wonder how he felt about him with one reassurance - ". . . I will always be proud of you, son." "Calling Home" is a well-written and heartfelt piece. Excellent work, Mr. Hoshino. ------ "The Cost of Failure" (writer's character) Diego Herrera(judge's character) Jhen Thelev/Sinda Essen It was very interesting to see how each writer approached the subject for this competition, broad as it was.I very much enjoyed Captain Herrera's take on the topic, building on the mission and story of the USS Vigilant as a starting for things to come over the next decade.Name checking other characters and ships from across the fleet was a particularly nice touch, giving a sense of intimacy we, as members of this group, can all relate to and reminding us that the actions of one ship, one crew can have a knock-on effect for an entire galaxy. However, Captain Herrera's intricate plotting was also the only flaw in the story. Taking the time to give us the political, military and even technological details of the conflict was certainly thoughtful and interesting, but it damaged the flow of the story with some quite dense exposition paragraphs. A short story format limits your choices, but I would have preferred to see more dialogue and characters, especially regarding the situation with Carlos Herrera's illness which was a more emotional storyline. Although I thought the juxtaposition of the two plots was excellent, especially in the literal juxtaposition of the two screens, which was a particularly clever touch. ------ "Peace of Soul"(writer's character) Jaxon Mc Ghee(judge's character) Aron Kells The appeal of the Writing Challenges for many lies within the ability to dig deeply into the primary characters writers know so well. Oftentimes, ships' plots don't allow for the complexity of associated story that all characters have. Such is the case here, in which readers are given more about the character of Jaxon Mc Ghee. In the story, the reader takes a look at Mc Ghee with the lens of this particular Challenge ("where do you see the universe in 10 years?"); we then receive a viewing of Mc Ghee from the future and are allowed to see some of his character progress. The difficulty, of course, in using your primary character is that it's never clear how much you should explain. In this case, I could have done with some more backstory, because I was unclear why Mc Ghee made certain choices or to what background events he was referring to. Then, too, I had the feeling that Mc Ghee was the hero of this piece, despite some of the large actions; and while this may be cathartic, I didn't really get to know the character through the story -- and I wanted to! I know that there were formatting challenges with this entry, and that's not a problem -- I know that the forums can be fickle. But I would urge the author to be sure to edit future stories: There were some misuses of punctuation and grammar that left me wondering what the author had meant. I am interested to see what the next entry will bring! Perhaps we'll see more of Jaxon Mc Ghee's background or backstory? Regardless, thanks for entering, and I look forward to reading the next story! ------ "Recognition"(writer's character) Della Vetri(judge's character) Jalana Laxyn I have thoroughly enjoyed to read this challenge post. Even though without going too much into describing the feelings of Miss Delvia Corsetto it has drawn me in, kept my attention and also kept me feeling for her. The way of painting the scenes, small gestures, the way Delvia and Brexx have spoken or followed the thoughts has shown a depth of the characters and story to feel with them. I have laughed quite often at the patience of Brexx, and his way to deal with her moods. The dynamic between those two has been quite faszinating and worked very well. Right from the beginning the question of why an Orion woman, whose species is usually depicted as very pleasurable to be with, was in such a bad mood set anchor in my head. Showing more and more of her life and situation, just made the question of the why more prominent. I was right in the flow of the story when the riddle got solved, the answer to this question not given too early or too late. I was quite impressed by the way Alex has put herself into the shoes of war veterans, those injured in their line of duty, showing their struggle after not being able to go on with their career. To see how simple things become difficult to them, how the inability to work in their field anymore burdens and frustrates them, re-shaping their character. I have loved to see that she was not even aware that she had another gift, one that would in the end show her that her life was not useless without her career in Starfleet. An ending that touched me in a way that it brought tears to my eyes, of joy for Delvia finding a new life for herself. Quite a wonderful contribution. ------ "The Third Option" (writer's character) Kaedyn Zehn (judge's character) Melitta Herodion One of the most obvious issues that Starfleet and the Federation would have to deal with as time moves forward is the shape of the political climate. As one of the Federation's most dangerous enemies it is unsurprising that the Romulans would recieve so much attention in this challenge. The trouble I think with political stories is that it is often hard to create a compelling environment and realistic motivation for the various characters that are used especially with shorter stories. That said "The third option" provided plenty of depth and a certain sense of familirity when it came to the main charcter. I also liked the fact that most of the references to the main character's past didn't require much, if any previous knowledge to understand. Perhaps the only nagging concern that I have in the back of my mind is the fact that any Starfleet captain would even entertain the idea of attempting an assassination for whatever reason. What I find worse is the fact that the captain in question didn't even bother to confer with his superiors before deciding on that course of action. Reading how the scenarior played out kept me on the edge of my seat and I enjoyed it immensely but I certainly still find the idea questionable. Overall though this piece was expertly written and formatted and shows a depth of character not easily shown when simming. I certainly look forward to reading more in the future. Good job.
  21. With the Writing Improvement Month's special Writing Challenge right in its middle, this was the longest Challenge we've ever run -- so, without further ado, let me bring you its results: The winner of the Challenge for January-March is the writer behind Saveron, with her story "My Brother's Keeper"! Our runner-up is the writer behind Ryoma Hoshino, with his story "Calling Home"! Congratulations to both of you! Thank you to everyone who participated and who continues to participate! We had a record number of judges assisting for this round and, as related by their scores, it was extremely difficult to pick clear stand-outs. Well done, everyone! My special thanks to my fellow judges for this round -- the writers behind Fleet Captain Toni Turner, Captain Kalianna Nicholotti, Commander Melitta Herodion, Commander Jhen Thelev (Lieutenant Sinda Essen), and our special guest judge, Lieutenant Jalana Laxyn.
  22. This Challenge is now officially closed! Judges will be deliberating for the next week, after which we'll have announcements of winners and feedback. Thanks to everyone who entered!
  23. Just a reminder that, because of the recent, special Challenge involved with Writing Improvement Month, this contest is extended through March 22nd! That's just a few weeks away now, so put on your writing pants and prepare for the contest ahead!
  24. This response cracked me up: Wulfantine: I don't know Sir, but we're dead in the sky. Kells: This I can feel. And don't call me "sir." Wulfantine: Sorry Captain.It was exactly what I hoped for! We can just call Kells "the Aron formerly known as captain."
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