Jordan aka FltAdmlWolf

I want to be Aziz Ansari. WHY CAN'T I BE AZIZ ANSARI?!

I hate Facebook. Facebook is ruining my life. Facebook is destroying my brain in the same way that meth destroys your teeth. And yet I can't stop wasting time on Facebook. I can't stop commenting on things I know will leave track marks on my psyche.

I wish there was a de-Facebookifying program that was free. And support groups that are ubiquitous. Places with lots of coffee and free donuts where I can just [...]ing TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THIS THING I READ, get some positive feedback, and not have...

ANOTHER weekend? I just had a day off, like, yesterday.

Omg, the scene where Phoebe's grandmother is updating the phone book from the obituaries!

It wouldn't be so bad...?

Today I met my Google Fit walking goal on the way into the cupcake store.

Jesuschrist will it ever stop raining?

BAY AREA FRIENDS: Does anyone have a WiFi hotspot they could lend me for this weekend? I'll be happy to pay this month's worth of service/data to use it and can pick it up tomorrow!

I'm still just so god[...] angry about this week. Not /just/ that two murdering cops are still free as birds, but also the fact that the entire Republican establishment is lining up to get on TV and try and explain to us how the victims of these crimes deserved their fate. How there is no such thing as racism. How resisting arrest is a murderable crime.

It's such a spectacle, it's so over-the-top ridiculous and disgusting, it's just mind-boggling in ways that I've never imagined that politic...

Please do not perpetuate the idea that bodycams on cops are useless, or a waste of money. Surely no one I know believes that having actual evidence of a police officer commit an atrocity is worthless? Isn't the idea that more evidence of these cops acting like brutal thugs is important to dispelling the myth that "the black guy deserved it"?

There is no magic bullet to the problem of police brutality, including bodycams. But bodycams are an important part of accountability for cops -- the da...

So what WOULD a cop have to do to even be indicted, let alone convicted of homicide?

Why is it so hard to find soft serve ice cream these days? Not yogurt. Not great hard-packed ice cream. S-O-F-T S-E-R-V-E. It used to be so plentiful. What gives?

PEOPLE: THE ONLY TIME DEADLY FORCE BY A POLICE OFFICER IS JUSTIFIABLE IS WHEN THE OFFICER'S LIFE IS IN IMMEDIATE DANGER. Period, end of story.

Being punched in the face: No.

Wanting to stop a suspect from escaping: [...] NO.

Wanting to subjugate someone for challenging your authority: GTFO.

More than anything, these tragedies remind me that there are two Americas, standing face-to-face, completely at odds with each other.

My left eye is in the process of swelling shut. This has never happened before, and I don't think I was bitten. Any ideas?

FYI y'all, Peppermint mocha is my life now. Kthx.

NO! NOOOOOOO.

GODAMMIT NO.

Okay, everyone, we get it. All you PhDs in theoretical Astrophysics are just SO [...]ING EXASPERATED when you watch movies where the science of something we've never seen or accurately measured is just NOT REALISTICALLY PORTRAYED.

But here's a tip: if you're looking for REAL, HARD science, a Matthew McConaughey movies probably not where you're going to find it anyway. The movies are for entertainment. Mmkay?

When it comes to Obama, the best predictor of future behavior is past performance.

Natch.

Why am I always recovering from a dentist visit? I've had dental issues since I was a kid, starting with a mouth that's too small for all these huge teeth, which squeezes them all together and makes them way more difficult to clean. But also, I have terrible allergies and am a mouth breather when I sleep. Teeth need saliva to break down bacteria, and as a mouth breather, my teeth don't get much of that at night. And for the bonus: I can't use mouthwash because it causes mouth ulcers (not cold...

Nothing like a mint chocolate shake and some vicodin to make me feel better after painful dental work.

I dreamed that, after the apocalypse, a woman tried to sic her tiger on me, and I scared it away by waving my plastic fork and screaming "I will eat you!"

Slowly, I am learning that if writing a Facebook comment takes me more than 30 seconds of editing to get it right and avoid an inevitable argument, I should just not post the comment at all.

"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" and now fall has officially arrived.